So I'm here sitting by the pool thinking of all the what if's and what could have been. But only to realise that what could have been would have been if it was meant to be. ): What more can I do? I've tried my best and gave my all. And if my best isn't enough for you, I don't what more will be enough. My hard work. My effort. I've given all. I've wasted my nights waiting for you when you said you wanted to see. I've spent enough time being miserable because of you.
But then again, I've decided to stay so I'm responsible of the consequences that happens to me. Unless, one day I wake up and automatically decided to stop it since it makes me so unhappy. But I also wonder how is it possible to let go when what makes me sad is also what makes me happy?! );
I know I'm just giving myself excuse to continue this relationship despite knowing what the results would be. It's not going to make me happy in any way. It's just gonna slowly ruin me and kill me. If this relationship was really worth it, I wouldn't doubt him, I would be afraid if he wouldn't appreciate the things I do for him. Obviously there's no confirmation. No assurance in it. Every single day I live in doubt. Wondering if he thought of me. If I even crossed his mind for a split second. Or if he likes me even a tad bit. And where's there's no sound from him, I start to wonder if this really marks the end of everything. I don't know how long can I live in this situation.
I don't know how someone who just walked into my life has the power of controlling my feelings and thoughts when I should have all the power to control MY own thoughts and feelings. This is getting out of hand and it's unfair. And even more unfair when I'm not even given a chance to prove myself. Life is unfair after all. I'm tired of feeling like this every single day. I wake up feeling miserable and I fall asleep with tears. I have dreams of you calling me, bringing me out, having good time together and such. And that's a horrible feeling when I only can dream about it. I feel embarrassed just by having those dreams. I feel miserable when I can't even accomplish something so simple! It's really horrible. ⌣_⌣