Things aren't presented to me on a silver platter, I make them happen for myself! (: I am ordinary but living the life of an extraordinary. A pressured teenager working to perfection, yours - Rachael Wong.
:D Honestly with all the shit (more like what i do to upset myself) happening to me for the past three months, I haven't felt this happy! Superbly well spent weekend! For the past three days, I kept wanting to tweet about it. But I'm just too afraid that I'll jinx my great weekend. And why did I decide to blog about it? Cause I honestly feel it will come to an end anyway.
Friday, Saturday & Sunday. Beyond happy. Especially Saturday! Spent quality time together. (: But it almost feels like we begin to drift apart. Looking at the fact that I'm the ony one putting effort anyway. Sigh. I'll accept what I have for now.
I can't express how happy I am, but I honestly am. Though on and off I still have some negativ thoughts. But I'll make do and appreciate my great weekend! I can't express more. I'm just beyond happy. (; I love you!
(: HAPPY GIRL.
Thursday, November 24, 2011 @ 10:54 PM
I know all I ever blog about is how heart broken I am, how he's treating me and shit like that. But trust me, this is the only place that I can express. Friends are bored of knowing, and well this blog is basically the only place I can express my feelings. );
It sucks to feel lonely. The feeling where no one is there for you. Not friends, not even family. Broke down to tears when I was home alone last night. Tears just kept flowing, yes, as strong as I may look on the outside, I'm actually a weakling. I cry for the most tiny problem. And that pretty much sucks. What more I've been so attached to him, I got used to having him. But then all of a sudden I have no one at all to talk to. ); Pft.
And what's worse is, I think he's finally giving up trying to keep me. Not that he's been putting any effort. Just that back then, he still calls and stuff like that. Now, he couldn't even be bothered. And it's sad that I'm trying to walk away and he's not even doing anything about it. It sucks. And you know, I always think it's the timing problem. We started meeting and talking too soon. It's just the wrong timing, if only he were to find me a year later when he's emotionally stable. For now, he's just not over it and I'm the rebound that didn't make it. And if in the future, when he has moved on I know I won't be the girl that he'll be with. Simply because of the wrong timing. And I'm upset. Because he was who I really wanted. Oh well, let fate decide. ); I guess this pretty much marks the end of it. And yet I'm still thinking of ways to keep him, to make him come back to me. It's not worth it. I know. ); But.... sigh! I'll just let it be for now.
I'm struggling to go through every day. It's hard when whatever I do, every little thing will remind me of him. Even things like fish reminds me of him. Urgh! Cant take myself anymore. );
Tuesday, November 22, 2011 @ 2:16 AM
Always the apple of my eyes
Just watched "You Are The Apple Of My Eye." [那些年，我們一起追的女孩] I never did imagine it to be that good. Been wanting to watch it for the past few days and it's all being SOLD OUT. Not just being left with front row tics, but SOLD OUT. And so I took the risk, bought front row tickets for the first time in my life just to catch the much talked about movie! Though it was pretty hard watching from the front row, but no regrets because it was actually THATTT good.
No doubt the movie did bring back a lot of memories back in school. How I'd go to school, sit in class, pay attention during lessons and dealing with goofy friends! I miss recess, I miss the feeling of being in school with friends when back then, there were never any problems that I face today. Urgh, I don't know how to express how much memories it brought back! BUT IT WAS GOOD!
Not only that, but there comes a scene where I could only picture myself in the lead actors position. Letting go of his love and only to be attending their wedding few years down the road. I couldn't stop imagining myself attending his wedding, not knowing if I should be absolutely happy for him or being all bitter thinking that I could have been the girl in that wedding dress. And if I could, I'd never want to be in his position. ): I can never fully express how I actually felt when I was watching the scene. The bittersweet feeling. Sigh. Oh well, I guess we can never fully picture the future. (:
All in all, the movie is worth watching. I absolutely liked it! (:
Monday, November 21, 2011 @ 12:31 PM
Sorry means so little when you're going to repeat the same thing over and over again. And I can say I'm finally tired. Tired of dealing with his never ending nonsense. Being lied to, being ignored and being talked to as he likes. It's funny how I'm so hurt until I can't feel the pain anymore. I don't even feel angry. And it's sad that I can finally say "I'm used to it."
I can't imagine the pain I'd go through for him. And it's stupid that I'm willing to put up with all the nonsense. Well, I think I've had enough. Three months of this sort of treatment? If it was the old me, I'd have went bonkers! I don't know why am I so calm this time around, it scares me how I'm adapting to all these. I don't know if I'm really fine with it, or I'm just too hurt. I am clueless myself. And what's worse is that I put it with all of it over and over again without saying anything. He's only doing it because he knows I'll always be here for him. And well, that's changing. I'm only going to be there for him mentally. And he'll be that guy that no matter how many more guys I'll meet, I'll always have a little feelings for him. Just like how the past 6 years were.
But I won't be your door mat anymore. Get a new one.
I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me. Today my life begins. A whole new world is waiting.
Sunday, November 20, 2011 @ 3:40 AM
How long can you do this?
Appreciate other people's feeling. For even though it's nothing for you, it could also be their everything.
Very often I tell myself that whenever there's a misunderstanding or a problem, just take it in. Don't voice it out and cause even more problems. But then there's only so much that I can take. How much can I be keeping to myself? How much can I act as though there's nothing wrong when EVERY THING IS?!
I always think about people's feelings before doing any thing at all. I try my best to please every one. I try not to hurt people's feelings. In every situation, I try to stay out. I don't take sides. I speak as a neutral person. I don't like causing any additional problems. But then I realized, by doing so it only cause myself to be stepped on. Basically, you can never please every one. If you please yourself, you can't please other people and vice versa.
I can't believe the amount of bullshit I took in for the past 6 months. I never thought I'd be so calm in all these. Usually I'd be superbly pissed and probably not giving two fucks about the relationship. But now? I'm taking all in, I always find an excuse for him, no matter how bad the situation is. I always blame myself for it all. Even when clearly, he's the one at fault. Sigh. I'm at that point where I don't know how to feel. At the point where I'm so hurt till I can't be hurt anymore. ); Every time I find out something, I just take a deep breath and take it in.
Smile for it is easier than explaining why you're sad (:
Friday, November 18, 2011 @ 8:54 PM
In our own hands.
The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'!
Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to learn our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
But there's always contradicting sayings. When the rope gets too tight, you loosen and it will not choke you. Hmmm, so how do you comprehend everything in life? How do you make sure you don't leave out anything? Over and over again, it narrows down to making choices. You'll never know if you're making the right or wrong choice. But always bare in mind to never regret any choice you make. Because at that point of time, that's exactly what you wanted to do. (;
p/s Considering a domain name, should I? Hmmm.
Thursday, November 17, 2011 @ 8:16 PM
What's my problem?
You know what's the problem with me? I realize that I'm too committed. In fact, I'm too quickly committed. It hasn't been too long that we've been going out and yet I'm already so committed. I don't know if I'm too committed or he just became a norm/habit thing to me. Some say being committed is good while some say it isn't. I honestly think it's depending on situation. In my case, it's horrible to be committed in such a short time. I've became too dependent on him on my happiness. Because with him, I forget the world. With him, no matter where we go or what we do. I feel happy. The feeling of being genuinely happy by doing nothing. How often do you feel like that?
I quickly understood that he has also became a habit that I can't shake. The things we did for the few months has became a mundane routine. Never ending conversations! Non stop texting, talkbox-ing, calling! Usually by 1pm, I'd receive about 10 calls from him. We can talk and talk and talk and talk. What about you may ask? Well, practically nothing. Yet, we can keep the conversation going! We meet every single day, movies, dates, drinks, anything at all!
I'm just someone who loves living in the past because I know whatever that happened then, won't happen for another time. I love looking back at how great things were going and that's when my mood goes 6 feet under. Knowing that I will never have the chance to relive those moments again.
You know what I miss? I miss who he used to be. I miss his "good morning bubu." calls. I miss his never ending "bao bei, i miss you" calls. I miss how he gets disappointed if I couldn't meet him. I miss how he used to prioritize me in everything. I miss how he calls me every hour! I miss how he drags me to breakfast at 9am. I miss how he doesn't care about my wake up face. I miss how he kisses my forehead. :* it's the sweetest! I miss how he always kiss my hands before I leave. I miss how he randomly pops up with roses! I miss movies with him. I miss our facetime conversations. I miss holding hands. I miss how he holds my waist. I miss how he hugs me. I miss how he whispers those three words to me. I miss dinner with his family. I miss how he gets jealous. I miss how he would come all the way back to Subang just to have breakfast/lunch with me. I miss how he pays attention to every little detail I say/do. I definitely miss how he used to put my name on his statuses/accounts. I miss how he would introduce me to his friends. I miss walking by the park with him. I miss talking about our future. What I miss most? I miss having him by my side.
But then...... whatever I miss, doesn't matter anymore. Because we simply can't be. Writing out what I miss triggered me more that I'm now alone. He's no longer here with me. And it's just constantly reminding me that I have to be okay with it. Be it I like it or not. Sad but true.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 @ 8:21 PM
Just for once
Just for once, I wish that someone would treat me right, love me unconditionally and such. But over and over again I get treated like dirt. In fact I get treated worse than dirt. I've lost respect for myself because I understand that I'm being treated like this simply because I allow it to happen. I never did stand up for myself when all this is happening. I was too blind to see. I had my hopes to high that he did it for a reason. Well maybe the reason behind his actions is pleasure.
Had a short heart-to-heart talk with him yesterday and I'm surprise by the things he say. It gets worse by the second. All the hurtful things he said, stab right through my heart and yet? I allow it to happen. I don't know how to protect myself and it's such a pity that I'm hurting myself.
They said, if it didn't work for the first time, it wouldn't work for the second time neither. Well can I have a glimpse of hope that third times a charm? 6 years ago we didn't work out. God gave us another chance. We met after so long, I developed feelings and all was going well. Until three months back. There's no one to blame in this. Should I blame him for wanting her back? Or should I blame her for coming back to Malaysia? Or best of all, should I blame myself for falling for him? There's no right or wrong in this. It's only what you decide to do to make this happen. So all in all, there's no one to blame but yourself. Remember, in every problem. YOU ARE TO BE BLAMED. At least I try to apply that so I'd be careful in every aspect of life.
I could have pulled myself away from this situation the second I was threatened. But I didn't. I wanted to risk it because he was who I wanted. I want to fight for him because I lost him 6 years ago. And never in my wildest dream I would have him by my side after 6 years. Hence, I tried. And now? I'm scarred. I'm horrified, I'm hurt, bruised, skinned and all the alike. Who to blame? Myself. Even after all this that happened, I still allow him to continue hurting me. With his words/actions.
When will I realize that this isn't right. He's not meant for me and we won't be together. If he wanted me, he would have fought for me. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have called/texted. I wouldn't be the one doing all those. And there's no such thing for being too busy. If he really loved me, he would have made time for me no matter what.
Yeah, in the beginning he did all those. He was the most caring guy I've ever met. He's the sweetest and he knows exactly what to say. But well, you know what people say? Seasons change. So did he. He's no longer the one I knew 6 months ago. He wasn't the guy who wanted me anymore. So why should I stay here and be stepped on like a rug? Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to be beautiful, and if this isn't beautiful. This isn't love. So Rachael, forget him. Forget about all that's happened in the past half year. Half year is not that hard to let go. You were happy without him, you can be happy again without him. Trust yourself that you can. Your mind is stronger than you think. (;
I just want to be happy, and when I've overcome the fact that we couldn't be. I hope I'll be able to be happy again. I strongly believe that he's just a bad habit that I can't shake. As to what I'm seeing, he's doing perfectly fine without me. And so I shall be perfectly as fine without him.
@ 4:01 PM
Tribute to the nice girls.
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.
This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.
This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you.
I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.
This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl.
You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.
You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.