"There's always something wrong with me. My insecurities ruins everything."
Honestly there's a part of me which is anticipating for a New Year. Another part of me just dies off that 2010 had to end. Filled with high and lows that will never ever be forgotten/replaced. A year has mockingly danced pass my eyes. A year just has too much to express in a blog post. There's more to it. More than anyone would know. ;)
"If you have love in your life, it can make up for many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's never enough."
It's the holiday season, year end sale season. Every reason to be happy about. Funny how I'm just not satisfied. Loving the quote above to bits, because it's so true that I think no one can actually deny it. I really mean no one! Even if I've gotten several Burberry Polo's I still wouldn't be happy. Even if I buy more LV's, Chanel's, Prada's, I still wouldn't be satisfied. Even if I have a Golf, I'm still not contented. I guess nothing is ever enough as long as there's no one I can share it with. :')
Oh well, on the brighter note. I've been psychically tougher. Been working out like crazy till the extent that I can't work out anymore. I guess it's finally time for a break. After all, I've really been working out for 6 days a week! ;D But I'll still work harder though! ;)
I quickly realized that I've been enjoying gym all this while. I've been going to the gym 6 days a week 2-3 hours per day. That's an achievement I'd say! And another thing was, I used to think that going to the gym with period is the biggest hassle ever! But then I guess when you're really determined to do something you'd do it with all you can/have. Despite having period for the past 4 days. I've still been going to the gym doing my daily routines.
Finally had my first PT session today. I was superbly scared I'd say. Was scared to embarrass myself was the main issue. Haha! Everything was well and it was all good, had some good laugh at myself and it was over. Faster than I thought and my next session would be on Monday. Will then be afraid again! PEH!
Wish me luck! :D
Someday there’ll be no more reasons for me to stay. Someday there’ll be no one left for me to love. All because I can’t love myself. I’m at wits end and I don’t want to be saved. My brain churns negative thoughts and replay them constantly, driving myself mad (hence the fairly similar content in my posts). It’s so crazy, I’m spiraling out of the circle of sanity a little too frequent as of late.
You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes.
I'm pretty confused with myself. I honestly don't know which direction to go anymore. I haven't been myself for the past God knows how many months. I've changed into a different person and I'm sure most of my friends can see it.
I've been feeling extra emo for the past few days. Yes, gazillion things was going through my mind. And honestly, I don't know what's the point for thinking so much. I try to keep myself occupied, but I don't know what's wrong with me. Despite being dead tired, I still stay awake till 4-5am! In fact I'm feeling day tired right now, I just got back from the gym at 11.30pm and it's almost 1am now and I'm not even tucked in. All I keep thinking about is nonsense. I know I said I'd keep myself occupied. But I guess no matter how occupied I am, I still can think.
Lately I've been extra emo and also extra grumpy. I don't think it's the time of the month, but maybe it's just the diet. Truth to be told, I eat one meal a day and it's really frustrating. And I really watch out for what I eat for that one miserable meal. I'm not complaining, after all it's what I really want. But then I guess nothing beats wanting something else. Sigh.
It was superbly hard to fall asleep last night. I was listening to Bruno Mars' "Talking to The Moon", pretty great song for someone like me. Cried a little while I was thinking about nonsense. Sigh, time to really really really be better. (;
ps/ i like to add pictures to my postings to not make it seem boring! so hee! i know it's irrelevant!
All the above pictures taken in Genting ;D
A lot of things amazes me. A lot of thing amuses me too. And I'm amazed at what happened within a blink of eye. Never would I thought that I'd see this coming, but guess what? It did. I was thinking about it and hoping that it was just a small obstacle. Again, I guess not. I tried to patch things up, I made an effort to make things better. But I guess, you've changed your perception towards. It's okay, no one's at fault and I'm not pointing any fingers. I admit, I may not have been much of a great friend, but I think I've tried.
'Stonning' at starbucks while waiting for the adults to be done with the casino! Starbucks brings me joy! I've finally completed all the stamps thingy majeeky! Happy girl! ;D
On the bright side, it's been a pretty good week. When I say pretty good, it means just okay. Met up with Caryn yesterday! I was so happy to know that she's back from Australia. Funny how people don't spend time when they are actually around, but only spend time when they've went farrr away. I guess this is human nature. We couldn't stop talking the very second we met! Was at Decanter for lunch and apparently she finds that restaurant really chilly and awesome! Hee! Watched 'Due Date' at Tcm! Some last minute plans and also had cake at secret recipe after. We went out at 1.30 and I sent her home at 10pm! That's some longgggg talking hours! Hahaha!
Nevertheless I really enjoyed her company. We talked so much about the past and it's really good reminiscing! ;D And also, truth to be told some part caused me to tear. I'm not being dramatic. It's true! hee! Good times good times!
p/s. Back to huffing and puffing week at the gym! (:
Blogging from the high land. Not cold, not windy, feels just right. At least I don't have to sweat. I'm bored to my bones sitting here. If it wasn't for the broadband, I think I'd probably die already! My phone's coverage is kinda low. So yeah. Stayed in for the whole day, doing nothing! I hope tomorrow's gonna be a way more productive day compared to today! ;D Cousins are coming up!
They'd probably hit the casino which I can't enter. I don't know where am I gonna go to stone. ): There's nothing much that can be done here! Honestly, I'd prefer to stay home doing nothing than here, doing nothing as well. At least I could go to the gym if I was back at home! Over here, all I ever think of is food! Hahah!
And I got sick of people talking behind my back about the things I do. When they actually tend to do the things that they've condemned me about. Am I even making any sense here? Pft! Can't wait to be back home. Two more days to kill. -_-
I know how it's only natural that changes take place in life. But sometimes I wish time would stop. They say that happiness and sadness run apparel to each other, but why does sadness keep running and it wouldn't stop and wouldn't take a break? I need happiness to catch up and honestly it seems like it's not gonna be easy. Whatever that I see is not what my mind can adapt, and it's not doing me any good. It's pulling my confidence so low that I don't even know where should I begin to pick myself up again.
I don't know why can't I accept myself for who I am. I keep comparing myself to people, I keep wanting to be better. I keep wanting to be someone else, I keep wanting to be 'accepted' when I don't even accept myself. I sort of got a wake up call from my friend today, I know he may not be serious but at least I realised that someone actually accepts me for who I am. Be it fat or skinny, pretty or ugly. I guess the problem is myself and no one can really change this perception for me.
I'll continue working for what I want. I'll keep chasing for my goal, even if it takes the rest of my life. Because I know this is the only way that I can gain back what I've lost. Not physically, but at least mentally. And I know if I don't love myself, no one is gonna love me neither.
It's not love that I'm talking about. It's not that I can't let go, I simply can't forget. And well the bitter truth is, I'm just jealous. For the past 7 months, I've been nothing but shitty. I've only been torturing myself and I clearly know that I need to put a fucking end to all this nonsense.
Along the way, I've lost everyone that I had. No one's ever there for me anymore. I tell my problems to people that I'm not even close to. I ask for advice from people whom I hardly know. Tell me, how aimless could I be?
And tonight, it's all happening again. These tears, has gotta go!