Things aren't presented to me on a silver platter, I make them happen for myself! (: I am ordinary but living the life of an extraordinary. A pressured teenager working to perfection, yours - Rachael Wong.
Every year is a roller coaster ride isn't it? Despite how much great times there were, there will also be some downfall at some point of time. Being twenty this year taught me a lot of things, but being the forgetful person that I am, I'll try to remember as many highlights of twenty eleven!
The passing on of my late grandma. She was so dear to heart, I absolutely miss her presence in my life. I hope she's doing well above. Look at how adorable she is! I still remember I took this picture when she was going through my bag after I came home from my birthday lunch. She just put it on and started laughing. I love her!
Bought an iPad and an iPhone two weeks later. && because of this, my sister stopped talking to me for a month or so.
Got myself free tickets to watch Michael Buble live in Malaysia. Felt over the top witnessing him LIVE. He is THATTT amazing! Fantastic workmanship!
Scored my 'dream' job! Hahaha. As a fan girl of Daniel Lee back in 2005, I've always dreamed of being an artsite's personal assistant. And never have I thought I'd actually be one. Yes, I did a four month internship with Lawrence Wong (actor & host) It was a great experience & my only regret was that I didn't learn much! But despite that, I have a nice boss which as of date, we still do keep in touch! (: Thank you for always checking if I'm alright & advising me about what I deserve.
In my four month internship, I witnessed a the whole process of filming a local drama.
Never ending episodes of 8style pre-recording.
Went international during my internship. Not far, but yes. Went to Singapore for a real professional photo shoot.
Upon completing my internship, I officially graduated! Diploma in Mass Communication. More than 2 years of course! Proud, relief & awaiting for another chapter of education!
Fell deeply in love with the wrong guy, which until today I still am struggling to wake up from the horrible nightmare. I still have difficulties sleeping, I still have a hard time feeling okay when I hear his name, I still am not over him. He mean too much to me, despite knowing the fact that I meant nothing to him at all.
Sweet of him to send me this when he went on a work duty at Kuantan. Early courtship when he didn't even know how to spell my name. (:
Received roses from him, never ending surprises from him. He knows exactly how to make me feel like I'm the only girl in his world.
He saved my name as "I♥Rachael" and sent me an image of it. (:
Gave me really unforgettable memories, met his family and I instantly fell in love with them. The warmth I feel when I sat at the dinner table. Feeling totally unprepared because he surprised me with the dinner. Nevertheless, I feel blessed that we crossed path, I'm blessed that he came along and made me so happy. However, he thought me how to love and also made me lose all my hope & faith all over again after he left.
First time in my life, I drank till I got so drunk because I felt too upset with something that happened. Impulsive decision was to go clubbing immediately after I found out. I caused so much trouble that night. Friends had a hard time taking care of me. Yuki had to send me back to Subang with my car while Alex had to come all the way from Kepong to fetch Yuki back. Cried like crazy at the valet & in the car on the way home, puked all over my house and they had to clean up and then proceed to waking up with a horrible hang over.
When we came to an end, it was one of the worse downfall of the year. And even until today, I couldn't bare to feel alright whenever someone mention his name to me. No one knows how depressed I feel, they read from my status/twitter. But what do they know? Not my story. I still find it hard to be without him because he was so dear to me. Yes it was a very short period of time, but I just committed myself too soon and too much. And I can't seem to forgive myself for falling for him even when I knew that he would be a heart breaker. It's as though I see a wall ahead and yet I speed through and ran into it. Every day I still struggle to feel alright about being friends. Yes, that's the worse part. We are still friends, and somehow I think it's pretty impossible to be friends you have a past with and still have feelings for. ); But I just wouldn't listen. Every day I hurt myself more & more. ):
Had a good holiday in a few places!
Hard Rock experience in Penang with my friends! WHO GOES TO PENANG FOR EXPENSIVE HOTEL & EXPENSIVE FOOD?!
Bandung, with my parents.
&& Singapore.
Met my inspiration & even got my picture taken with her! Always looked up to her and have always been inspired by someone with so much determination and able to be so successful!
Learned knitting, knitted a scarf in less than a weeks time. ACHIEVEMENT!
This marks the end of twenty eleven, well what can I say? BRING IT ON TWENTY TWELVE! Happy New Year everyone! I don't make resolutions, but I want to love myself more. I HAVE TO. (; Good year ahead, abundance of health, joy, love & happiness! xox.
Thursday, December 29, 2011 @ 9:27 PM
Pampered.
Really random fact, after joining the gym for a year. I finally tried out RPM. Previously I had friends who tried to make me go for the class but all I do was reject them. I don't know why I had no guts to go. I'd say most of the time I just feel pretty shy about it, I don't think I'm weak. It's not that I can't handle the class neither. But I just feel very shy. Pretty insecure about doing it the wrong way perhaps. Care too much about what people might think about me and that sort. Oh well, finally broke the chain and joined Karyn for RPM. In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. Easier than I thought it would be, but when the class came to and end and when I got down from the bicycle, I felt how jiggly my legs were. I could hard walk straight. But it still wasn't that bad, so went for a swim. Was still feeling good! Hahah, until I came home...... IT WAS HORROR. My thighs are so sore, every time I walk down the stairs I feel like falling down. And I've been feeling the pain for two days now! Haven't been to the gym since RPM! I don't know when will I recover and when can I hit the gym again, but I hope it's soon. I always feel guilty for not going to the gym!
Anyway, spent my day having some me-time! Went to get a hair cut. And I don't know how to feel about it. It's not like it's some new-do. I've done this before, but somehow this time around it feels weird. It feels different. Maybe I got so used to my old hair, I'm just not used to seeing how I look like right now. But I hope when I doll up, I actually look okay with it.
You know what people say about cutting hair eh? About throwing away all your bad luck and what not. Hmmm, not a very superstitious person, but I'll go with it this time around. The year is ending, I need all my bad luck to end as well. :p
What say you? Same old me? Or just pretty weird this time around? :p Heh.
The hairstylist is pretty funny and nice to talk to. In case you're wondering, it's Jackham from Shawn Cutler, Bangsar who did my hair. Such a sweet heart! "Hello darling." he greeted me. Cheeky personality!
Hmm, despite wearing the White Birkenstock I've always to get the red one too! I don't know if I should but trying it on really tempted me to it! Urgh! Decisions!! Yes? No? Hmmm.
ANYHOWWWW, (2 weeks back) My neighbours has been pretty irresponsible with their dog. They left their Golden Retriever at home while they travel to Penang for work. Not a few days, but months. The least they could do was ask us to take care of it or something. The dog is so skinny and probably haven't eaten for days. Another neighbour even lodge a report to DBKL/SPCA. D: Drama much? Hahaha, anyway I got my dad to call the neighbour to ask for permission to feed the dog. So every now and then my sister or my dad would climb into their house to feed the dog. Until one day when we saw his wife come back to the house, apparently it's her husband who went to Penang while she's staying at her sisters place with her new born. Still, it didn't give them the right to abandon their dog! Saddens to see a dog starve and stuck in a small cage with her shit and pee. So we let the dog run around the compound and the neighbour even gave us their key to go into their house to feed her!
Look at how adorable she is!! She's been such a darling. Really tame! She gets all excited when we come home, waiting at the gate for us to go pet her something! Hahah, not only that, every time we feed her she starts running in circles and trust me, their tale slap actually HURTS.
Hope the neighbours would be back soon to take care of such a lovely dog. (:
Tuesday, December 27, 2011 @ 1:37 AM
Got me thinking.
Have you ever seen a couple who has been together for a long time and it made you think that you want a relationship that lasts that long and even longer perhaps? I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic person, I do every thing for the best of my partner. I think the extra mile of what could have happened. I need someone who will accept me for who I am, my complexity in the relationship and what not. As cliche as it may sound, I'm really simple. I want someone who would give me the attention I want, someone who would appreciate me for who I am, someone who would take time to understand me, someone who would take the time to listen to what I have to say. I don't need someone who will push me around. I don't want someone who comes and goes as he pleases. I think I've had enough of it.
I'm not gonna search, I'll wait for the right one to come along. And yes, I'll stop dwelling in my past. I'll move on and wait for the right person to come along. I've always believed that God is above watching every action and he has the perfect one for me. I may feel alone now, but if the right one comes along, fear not, I'll always have him. (: I'll wait for the person whom understands me, whom I can spend years and years with. I want that kind of relationship where people say "Damn, you guys are still together?" (; It puts a smile on my face.
I need to let the wrong one go in order to let the right one come along. (; God bless me.
Monday, December 26, 2011 @ 5:45 PM
For you, I will.
You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.
You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.
Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?
Sunday, December 25, 2011 @ 8:50 PM
Disappointed? No.
Despite the fact that I'm not Christian so I don't exactly celebrate Christmas, but I've always loved Christmas. I don't exactly know why. But it gives me a really warm feeling and it just makes me want to celebrate it with a loved one. It's not like other festive seasons! It's not like Chinese New Year, CNY doesn't give you a warm feeling, it doesn't make you want to celebrate with a particular loved one. When you hear CNY, you know it's about people. Lotsa people, family, friends and lotsa havoc. Nothing beats the feeling that Christmas gives.
I've got Christmas pretty much planned out. But of course, it didn't turn out the way I thought it would be or the way I wanted it to be. Well, am I disappointed? No, not at all. I get disappointed so often that I don't feel disappointed anymore and I can perfectly say that I'm used to it. But it's alright, I expected it to happen anyway. No one to blame but myself. For putting in hope, expectation, anticipation and my heart&soul into believing that he wouldn't disappoint me because he said he wouldn't.
My idea of a happy christmas didn't materialize, but it's alright. I should have seen this coming. And no I'm not gonna keep dwelling in this nonsense. (: Wherever you may be, Merry Christmas my love. xox.
with all the I'm alright(s). You would probably know I'm actually not alright at all.
@ 8:35 PM
I thought....
This song reads me like a book, exactly how everything is. );
@ 4:45 PM
Merry Christmas!
25th December, it's a funny thing. It's funny cause at Christmas, something in you gets so lonely. I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. And trust me, I know that feeling of loneliness. A void feeling in you. You can never fully describe how it actually feels but you know it's there.
Anyway, intended to spend a lonely Christmas eve. Until college mates came out with something. Had dinner and OverTime after. It was indeed pretty crazy, but I'm glad how it turned out to be and well surprises happen when you least expected it to. (: Managed to speak to him before the night ended. Thank you for texting love.
The night was fine, but nothing can describe the void feeling in me. I felt so alone in a crowded place and it's a horrible feeling. But I'm thankful to have them around! Indeed a crazy bunch! The night ended out of my expectations. No doubt it did put a smile on my face, but I guess I give in to the nonsense too easily. Forgive too easily, and let it by too easily. If only I could have let go of him just as easy too!
Oh well, nevertheless, Merry Blessed Christmas everyone! Time to usher in the new year! (;
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 @ 2:21 PM
Counting the days
Every day feels like a day wasted because it wasn't spent with you. I feel like an idiot for always waiting for you. I feel stupid to always prioritise you no matter whatever situation I am in.
Just because you know I'm always going to be here doesn't mean you can take advantage of it. Taking me for granted. I'm stupid enough to allow you to do it to me. You have no idea how I feel and how horrible this is!
It's been seven days now. I don't know if I should be happy cause it's ONE week, a number less than seven. Sigh. Soon it's going to be eight days, nine days and so until the day you fly off, I won't be talking to you till next year. And next year may mean February, March and may mean never too. We've never go so long without talking to each other! Maybe this will end........ Soon. );
Tuesday, December 20, 2011 @ 7:06 PM
Coming to an end.
How is 2011 treating you? A few more days and 2011 will come to an end! It's time to reflect and picture this;
"It's December 31st. The clock strikes midnight. Suddenly, it's 2011 all over again and you have the chance to redo everything. Would you?"
Yes, I definitely would. 2011 was such a horrible year for me, without hesitation, second thoughts or anything like that, I'd definitely redo 2011!
1) I would have spent more time with my late grandmother. During her last two months all I did was feel bitter about it. We can never truly be prepared for death even when you see it coming. Every single night I cried myself to sleep thinking about her leaving. She was so dear to heart, spent 19 years of my life with her. True enough, I tried to escape the pain. I tried to avoid knowing the fact that she was ill. I wanted to feel as though she was living her healthy life. But it was difficult when every single day I see her weaker and thinner. Till the day she could hardly speak or even look me in the eye. It's so heart breaking. But it's all good now, I still miss her but I know she's in better hands. I hope they have potted plants above for you to take care of. I hope they serve your favourite food and ice cream and chilled drinks for your sweet tooth. I hope they treat you as well as I thought I did. Most of all, I hope you're happy reuniting with grandpa. I love you popo!
2) I'd redo my internship differently. I wouldn't say the internship I did was bad. It's just that I felt it didn't provide me the knowledge and experience that I was looking forward to. I'd redo my internship in a corporate company when I deal with clients etc instead of just my boss. I wish I had colleagues. I wish I knew more people.
3) I wish you didn't find me on Talkbox. I wish we didn't exchange numbers. I wish we didn't started texting. I wish we didn't started talking on the phone. And what I wish most was that I didn't decided to meet you that night. If I didn't meet you that night, we wouldn't have kept going out. My feelings for you wouldn't have went so deep. I wouldn't have hurt myself this much. For so many months!
As for you;
I wish you didn't acted as though you fell for me. I wish you didn't acted as though I was your world. I wish you didn't show me how was it to be loved, to be happy. Despite all these, I wish you didn't leave me. I wish you didn't treat me like this. I wish you actually did love me. I wish you were truly happy when you were with me.
I guess instead of blaming you, I really wish that I actually stick to my words about not opening my heart to anyone. But with you I got weak. I fell so deep for you in the shortest time because of how close we were. But when I finally realised that the relationship was wrong, it was too late for me to pull myself out of the hell hole. It was too difficult to tell myself not to love you anymore. Well six months down the road and I still don't know what we are anyway. I've did too much, sacrificed too much. You can't even see my effort. You don't even see how much I'm hurting. You don't know me at all. Until today, I still wish I didn't do so much for you. I wish I didn't sacrifice my time for meeting you, and most importantly I really wish I didn't quit my job because of you. You may not be the only reason I quit, but you were partially the biggest reason why I decided to quit. Why? Because you said we don't spend enough time together because I work till weeee hours. And so for you, I quit. I guess it wasn't all that worth it after all. You left me not long after that. And I had all the time in the world to feel miserable and horrible and bitter about it. :'( But it's all the past now, it's not that I regret meeting you again, I just regret doing so much and falling so deep. Given another chance I'd probably still meet you. But perhaps I'd just take things slower and meet you less and hopefully didn't fall so deep for you! );
Hmmm, three regrets in a year. I guess thats not too bad right? What about you? (;
@ 1:03 AM
Five
We haven't been talking for a few days and I'm trying to feel okay about it. But honestly it's doing me no good. Back then, you can't even stand not talking to me for an hour. But now? DAYS! I don't know how you do it. But honestly it's torturing me.
I keep convincing myself. I keep giving myself excuse for him. But it's really not easy when I think about you so much.
Christmas is around the corner. And all that's on my mind is wondering if we'll be able to spend it together. But honestly I'm doubting it. You know how simple I am. I don't ask for anything. Perhaps just asking for your time. ): Even if you had no plans on Christmas, you wouldn't even try to spend it with me. Because I'm not even an option. And that's where I stand in your life. I'm not even worth your time. );
But I'll be fine. I promise.
Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 12:15 AM
Spot, fucking on.
Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried, how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve had to hold back the tears, how many times I’ve felt like I’m about to snap but don’t just for the sake of others, how many times I’ve felt like running away. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I’m sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody knows me, and thats what I hate the most.
Sunday, December 18, 2011 @ 3:23 AM
My current thoughts.
"People think that if you love somebody hard enough, then everything’s gonna work out. People are wrong."
Alone, yes that's the key word. The most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it, & hell is only a poor synonym.
"It's a sad moment when you come to understand how truly replaceable you are."
I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Most of the time, I want to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I don't even know how to describe it. So I stay quiet.
Someday I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful.
“People that are meant to be together always find their ways in the end.” - I hope this will be us.
We haven't spoken in days and I'm trying to be okay with that.
Saturday, December 17, 2011 @ 11:56 AM
⌣_⌣
So I'm here sitting by the pool thinking of all the what if's and what could have been. But only to realise that what could have been would have been if it was meant to be. ): What more can I do? I've tried my best and gave my all. And if my best isn't enough for you, I don't what more will be enough. My hard work. My effort. I've given all. I've wasted my nights waiting for you when you said you wanted to see. I've spent enough time being miserable because of you.
But then again, I've decided to stay so I'm responsible of the consequences that happens to me. Unless, one day I wake up and automatically decided to stop it since it makes me so unhappy. But I also wonder how is it possible to let go when what makes me sad is also what makes me happy?! );
I know I'm just giving myself excuse to continue this relationship despite knowing what the results would be. It's not going to make me happy in any way. It's just gonna slowly ruin me and kill me. If this relationship was really worth it, I wouldn't doubt him, I would be afraid if he wouldn't appreciate the things I do for him. Obviously there's no confirmation. No assurance in it. Every single day I live in doubt. Wondering if he thought of me. If I even crossed his mind for a split second. Or if he likes me even a tad bit. And where's there's no sound from him, I start to wonder if this really marks the end of everything. I don't know how long can I live in this situation.
I don't know how someone who just walked into my life has the power of controlling my feelings and thoughts when I should have all the power to control MY own thoughts and feelings. This is getting out of hand and it's unfair. And even more unfair when I'm not even given a chance to prove myself. Life is unfair after all. I'm tired of feeling like this every single day. I wake up feeling miserable and I fall asleep with tears. I have dreams of you calling me, bringing me out, having good time together and such. And that's a horrible feeling when I only can dream about it. I feel embarrassed just by having those dreams. I feel miserable when I can't even accomplish something so simple! It's really horrible. ⌣_⌣
Friday, December 16, 2011 @ 10:06 PM
Sigh.
I should have thought so, I should have seen this coming, I should have known. No matter how much effort I put into doing it, no matter how hard I try and whatever way I could figure, it will never change his mind. I don't think there's anything left to be done but just to let time heal my wounds.
I've never felt this demotivated and upset over something. And these feelings, not even words can describe. I don't even know where to start and such. But I feel the heart ache. Sometimes when I think about it, I can feel the sharp little needles poking my heart and I really mean it. People who's been hurt would know what type of feeling I'm talking about.
It's sad that no matter how hard I try, I'm not given a chance to prove myself. And it's sad that the person doesn't see my effort. Over and over again, it happens. And over and over again I'm going to say the same thing, I put myself into this position, I allow that person to hurt me and so I have no fucking rights to complain about it. :'( And honestly I'm not even asking for much, just a chance for you to see what could have been. Sigh.
"I'm not even remotely appreciated and this only happens when things are done for the wrong person."
Thursday, December 15, 2011 @ 6:17 PM
B-U-S-Y.
The past one/two weeks have been pretty busy. Well I wouldn't say busy, I was just occupied with things to do. I painted the room downstairs, and I'll be 'shifting' there when I'm done buying furniture and such. One wall pink and another 3 sides in white. Took a whole 6-7 hours to paint! Not forgetting the plaster ceiling!! It was tiring! Of course I gotta thank my parents for helping out too! And my mom for cleaning up! Hahah :D
Went over to Morib last weekend with my mom to catch a show. It was a longgggg drive! Literally same time consumed as to going Malacca! D: But nevertheless, somehow enjoyed the trip. Being able to look at the sea, sunset and enjoy the breeze. I love.
Yes, I was in a tad bit of Christmas mood hence the ribbon head band. Well on the other hand, I manage to get heck lotsa attention from people there. HAHAHAHAH.
Mmm, have you ever had that feeling of experiencing something good and all you wanted to do was to share it with one particular person? I always have that feeling. Every thing I experience something good, I automatically think of only one person and how I wish that person could either be by my side at that moment or having to experience the same thing together the next time. (:
Christmas is just around the corner and I've been pretty busy making Christmas cards. No, I don't actually celebrate Christmas. But since I've got all the free time in the world, I decided to make Christmas cards for my friends! ;D Also hand made a gift for a friend. (: Happily completed it and it's now safe with it's new owner. I must say, although there wasn't any feeling of satisfaction upon completing, but after giving it to my friend it almost felt like I've gotten a heavy burden off my shoulder. I've been contemplating and having doubts about the gift. The thought of it being handmade gave me all the doubt. I kept worrying what if it was ugly, what if my friend didn't like it, didn't appreciate it and stuff like that. It contained all my sweat, blood, tears, effort & time. I wouldn't want to put all those to waste! Oh well, now the misery has ended. I should feel happy. (: I AM happy.
Hoping for better things in the coming days. (;
Tuesday, December 6, 2011 @ 1:09 AM
Tired.
I'm finally really tired. Most of the time, I'd always say that I'm tired with dealing with all these nonsense. But this time around, I'm actually really tired, physically and mentally drained from dealing with it. Not just saying it anymore. And somehow I'm used to how things are going now.
Love shouldn't hurt they say, but then again every rule has an exemption, because with him it does. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel the word everyone is making a big fuss about, so then I wouldn't get hurt. Believe me love is not all it's cracked up to be. Half of the time you'd just be crying the other half wiping the tears and in between those a few smiles. I myself used to think that when you're in love, you'd hear the birds singing but the only thing i heard was the hollow echo in my being. I thought the sky would turn blue but it turned grey and rained on me. I thought that my eye would be sparkling with joy but it only glistened with the tears. Why do we have to love someone who could never love us back and why do we dream when we know that those we have woven will cease to be but a dream? I'm not saying that love is a bad thing, it never is. What bad is when you fall in love nad the person does not fall in love back. I wish that someday I could be in love again without have to shed a single tear and wish that if I do, love would not hurt as bad.
It's a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them and they simply don't need you at all. Yes, I feel this way every single day. I wake up thinking about him, I go through my day waiting and anticipating for him to start a conversation with me, and I usually end my day being disappointed.
And I'm glad and proud of my heart. Used, stabbed, betrayed, hurt and whatever you can name, it's still working with some pain.
