You know what's the problem with me? I realize that I'm too committed. In fact, I'm too quickly committed. It hasn't been too long that we've been going out and yet I'm already so committed. I don't know if I'm too committed or he just became a norm/habit thing to me. Some say being committed is good while some say it isn't. I honestly think it's depending on situation. In my case, it's horrible to be committed in such a short time. I've became too dependent on him on my happiness. Because with him, I forget the world. With him, no matter where we go or what we do. I feel happy. The feeling of being genuinely happy by doing nothing. How often do you feel like that?
I quickly understood that he has also became a habit that I can't shake. The things we did for the few months has became a mundane routine. Never ending conversations! Non stop texting, talkbox-ing, calling! Usually by 1pm, I'd receive about 10 calls from him. We can talk and talk and talk and talk. What about you may ask? Well, practically nothing. Yet, we can keep the conversation going! We meet every single day, movies, dates, drinks, anything at all!
I'm just someone who loves living in the past because I know whatever that happened then, won't happen for another time. I love looking back at how great things were going and that's when my mood goes 6 feet under. Knowing that I will never have the chance to relive those moments again.
You know what I miss? I miss who he used to be. I miss his "good morning bubu." calls. I miss his never ending "bao bei, i miss you" calls. I miss how he gets disappointed if I couldn't meet him. I miss how he used to prioritize me in everything. I miss how he calls me every hour! I miss how he drags me to breakfast at 9am. I miss how he doesn't care about my wake up face. I miss how he kisses my forehead. :* it's the sweetest! I miss how he always kiss my hands before I leave. I miss how he randomly pops up with roses! I miss movies with him. I miss our facetime conversations. I miss holding hands. I miss how he holds my waist. I miss how he hugs me. I miss how he whispers those three words to me. I miss dinner with his family. I miss how he gets jealous. I miss how he would come all the way back to Subang just to have breakfast/lunch with me. I miss how he pays attention to every little detail I say/do. I definitely miss how he used to put my name on his statuses/accounts. I miss how he would introduce me to his friends. I miss walking by the park with him. I miss talking about our future. What I miss most? I miss having him by my side.
But then...... whatever I miss, doesn't matter anymore. Because we simply can't be. Writing out what I miss triggered me more that I'm now alone. He's no longer here with me. And it's just constantly reminding me that I have to be okay with it. Be it I like it or not. Sad but true.
