Just for once, I wish that someone would treat me right, love me unconditionally and such. But over and over again I get treated like dirt. In fact I get treated worse than dirt. I've lost respect for myself because I understand that I'm being treated like this simply because I allow it to happen. I never did stand up for myself when all this is happening. I was too blind to see. I had my hopes to high that he did it for a reason. Well maybe the reason behind his actions is pleasure.
Had a short heart-to-heart talk with him yesterday and I'm surprise by the things he say. It gets worse by the second. All the hurtful things he said, stab right through my heart and yet? I allow it to happen. I don't know how to protect myself and it's such a pity that I'm hurting myself.
They said, if it didn't work for the first time, it wouldn't work for the second time neither. Well can I have a glimpse of hope that third times a charm? 6 years ago we didn't work out. God gave us another chance. We met after so long, I developed feelings and all was going well. Until three months back. There's no one to blame in this. Should I blame him for wanting her back? Or should I blame her for coming back to Malaysia? Or best of all, should I blame myself for falling for him? There's no right or wrong in this. It's only what you decide to do to make this happen. So all in all, there's no one to blame but yourself. Remember, in every problem. YOU ARE TO BE BLAMED. At least I try to apply that so I'd be careful in every aspect of life.
I could have pulled myself away from this situation the second I was threatened. But I didn't. I wanted to risk it because he was who I wanted. I want to fight for him because I lost him 6 years ago. And never in my wildest dream I would have him by my side after 6 years. Hence, I tried. And now? I'm scarred. I'm horrified, I'm hurt, bruised, skinned and all the alike. Who to blame? Myself. Even after all this that happened, I still allow him to continue hurting me. With his words/actions.
When will I realize that this isn't right. He's not meant for me and we won't be together. If he wanted me, he would have fought for me. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have called/texted. I wouldn't be the one doing all those. And there's no such thing for being too busy. If he really loved me, he would have made time for me no matter what.
Yeah, in the beginning he did all those. He was the most caring guy I've ever met. He's the sweetest and he knows exactly what to say. But well, you know what people say? Seasons change. So did he. He's no longer the one I knew 6 months ago. He wasn't the guy who wanted me anymore. So why should I stay here and be stepped on like a rug? Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to be beautiful, and if this isn't beautiful. This isn't love. So Rachael, forget him. Forget about all that's happened in the past half year. Half year is not that hard to let go. You were happy without him, you can be happy again without him. Trust yourself that you can. Your mind is stronger than you think. (;
I just want to be happy, and when I've overcome the fact that we couldn't be. I hope I'll be able to be happy again. I strongly believe that he's just a bad habit that I can't shake. As to what I'm seeing, he's doing perfectly fine without me. And so I shall be perfectly as fine without him.
