tengtengtengteng*

Pridez

2012-01-25T01:57:00.000+08:00

So, on a random weekend my friends decided to go to Blue at Cheras. They've been bugging me to bring them there because the bar happens to be my friends'. And my other friends have been really eager to go, so we've decided to go after say one year? LOL. Yes, they've been wanting to go for that long of a time!

Some may have heard of the bar before, PLU? Pridez? Blue? Yup. If you have, good for you! If you haven't, then check it out when you feel like you want to do something exciting alright? Hahaha! It's located at Taman Segar Cheras! Same row as the guitar store.

The owner, my good friend, my sister.

She never fails to give me really wise advices. We don't meet often, but she's always there to give me support and never ending encouragement. Have always thought me to love myself above everyone else. And on that very night, she gave me the most comforting hug! Thank you my dear.

What more can I say? (;

My crazy bunch.

We can be this close and this crazy.

Had a really good talk with Lavinia that night. So much to share, and I'm glad that she understands me. Although I teared a little, but it was all good. (: Heart to heart talk never fails, despite being at a really noisy bar! Hahah! ;D I'm blessed to have great friends. xox.

Tik tok tik tok.

2012-01-24T14:04:00.000+08:00

I always have a hard time trying to keep up to blogging. I know how I used to blog almost everyday back in my Xanga days, but lately I just cant seem to constantly blog about things everyday. Knowing the fact that I'm not working nor studying at the moment, there isn't much to life. I only feel the same and do the same thing everyday. So there's nothing much to write isn't it? Unless I'm pouring my heart out every about how fucking bitter I am .__.

It's Chinese New Year already! Boy time sure flies. This year I don't feel any new year atmosphere at all. I think time is just moving a little too fast, first it was Christmas, then it was New Years and then suddenly it's Chinese New Year. Too much happening, too little time, hence there's no atmosphere I guess.

First year celebrating Chinese New Year without grandma! Usually she'd be the first to wake up, the first to give us our angpows. But this year, she's just not around. Not only that, we didn't even had her cooking for reunion dinner. Damn I miss her. Soon it's gonna be a year, and I still cant believe she's left for almost a year now. I hope she's doing fine.

There's actually quite a lot for me to update, but I guess I just need to find the time and mood to start typing and uploading pictures! (; I'm actually rushing out now, so I'll just stop here and try to update again tonight/soon! (; Toodles! xoxo! Happy Dragon Year!

Another chapter of life.

2012-01-11T18:02:00.001+08:00

It's at time like this that you start to think of so many new things. Things you won't imagine coming across if it wasn't for the decision you're currently making.

Another chapter of education seems so difficult. I don't know if Monash is the right decision in the future, but for now it sure seems like the best and the only choice I have. Many times I thought of giving up. Just forget about studies and excel in life and work! But from many feedbacks of friends. Studies seems to be the best choice. I hope I don't disappoint my family. The amount used for education sure isn't a small amount. I shall give my all in this new chapter. Degree in Monash, here I come!

At the same time while all these is taking place, here I sit and wonder what would life be when university begins. How am I going to cope with studies? Will I still be active in gym? Will I still be friends with him? How would things be like? Will I meet someone new? The amount of money spent? Thousands and thousands! So many questions floating in my mind. But I guess what I'm really concerned with is him perhaps?

I couldn't stop wondering where we stand. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and the future. He's the one. (: I hope for nothing but the best. (; Please answer my prayers! (:

So many ifs.

2012-01-08T15:33:00.001+08:00

There's so many ifs in life. And that's when you realise that there are many things you wish that it was as easy as merely saying. I admit, I'm guilty of only saying. I'm damn good at it. But when it comes to action, I'm no where near to as good as saying. And this upsets me.

Things were going down since half a year ago. And as much as I wish things would start rising again, I can't help the fact that I'm the one who's constantly pulling myself down again.

Biggest mistake was falling for that very wrong person. That's gotten me into so much trouble. So much problem that I can't even handle. ); How to get myself back up? I wonder. Letting go of that one person that makes me happy? Or staying with the person who makes me sad?

Are we wasting each other time? Without him could I have found Mr Right? And without me, maybe he would have found Ms Perfect? Letting go of someone who has given me so much to remember is pretty difficult. Liking someone for six years? When I finally thought I had him? And then he leaves? That's the difficult part. (Note that I say like, not love. Don't say I had a bf previously and all. I constantly had him in mind and have asked people about him)

Or perhaps it's mind over matter? The fact that I constantly say I couldn't do it. But deep down, I actually can? How can I do this when he's all I want, how do I stop trying? ):

HELP.

Fixing a broken heart.

2012-01-08T01:53:00.001+08:00

I tried so hard and I did so well. At least that's what I thought. Until I hear something from him, my world goes crumbling down once again. For the past two weeks, I put on my ego and walls up high, with no intentions to call/text him. Until I heard something from him, someone passed his message. Asking where have I been, why didn't I find him and all that nonsense. Yet all I wanted to do was just avoid those questions, he ended up calling me anyway. I forgot to bring that phone out and he didn't bother to call my other number anyway.

Agreed to meet later, but again? Disappointed. It's always like that isn't it? I always for fall the same reason, the same thing. I told myself so many times that I'd really forget him. He's not worth it even though he's given me so much to remember. But at the same time, he's given me so much pain. I've tried every thing I could, but at the end. Just his voice, his message, it's enough for me to forget everything I told myself, and all the effort I put into forgetting him. Maybe he was right "isn't not seeing me one of your new years resolution?" Indeed I shall make it one of my new years resolution.

Angry at myself, all the time. For the same reason. And it seems so difficult to seek for happiness. But it's alright. My time will come, I believe.

Lance's night of mayhem.

2012-01-07T14:32:00.000+08:00

Lance's birthday party. What more could there be? Drinking, drinking & more drinking. 15 towers of beer, a few long island towers, graveyard, flaming lamborghini was enough to get him down. Basically enough to get anyone down! It was a crazy night!

Culprit! LOL!

A pretty drunk birthday boy & yours truly.

See what I mean? LOL.

Weng weng & I! (:

What did all these bar/club taught me? People can be wild, they do crazy things and I honestly don't really enjoy the things that happen to me or the even the things I see. Am I the only one who thinks like this? :s Being the ever so contradicting person that I am, I go to bars and all anyway. HOHO.

twenty twelve.

2012-01-03T01:11:00.002+08:00

Twenty twelve came along, now we'll all hear about how the world is going to end. I honestly don't know how to feel about it and at the same time, I don't think it will happen neither. Despite all the natural disaster taking place. But come what may, I'm thankful to God for every thing He's given me. (:

How was NYE? The usual for me, drinking with friends. What more is there to do on NYE? Every where is packed with people, spray, foam and the usual countdown stuff.

A little tiny bit of a goner.

Psyched!

And then the clock strike 00:00AM 1st January 2012. And then what rushed to my thoughts were how I'd be repeating everything all over again. ); It's the beginning of another new year, yet another roller coaster ride, yet like any other day, I'd hope to survive! :')

Received his message around 00:20AM. Bittersweet feeling. I must admit, I didn't had any expectations. Hence I was pretty surprised, cause he's out of town. But that was all there is. A mere 10 seconds voice message was all he gave. But to think about, it was something out of my expectations, the happy me immediately down a pint. And that's when the alcohol kicks in, and that's when all the thoughts came along. You think it was easy? Think again. A part of me wanted to just burst into tears, another part of me just had to held it in, in hopes of not ruining the new years for my friends. (: I SUCCEEDED. Pft. No big anyway.

That marked my countdown, no fireworks, no love, no soul.

Have a good year ahead my lovely readers. Abundance of health, love, joy & happiness.

Highlights of twenty eleven!

2011-12-30T17:44:00.096+08:00

Every year is a roller coaster ride isn't it? Despite how much great times there were, there will also be some downfall at some point of time. Being twenty this year taught me a lot of things, but being the forgetful person that I am, I'll try to remember as many highlights of twenty eleven!

The passing on of my late grandma. She was so dear to heart, I absolutely miss her presence in my life. I hope she's doing well above. Look at how adorable she is! I still remember I took this picture when she was going through my bag after I came home from my birthday lunch. She just put it on and started laughing. I love her!

Bought an iPad and an iPhone two weeks later. && because of this, my sister stopped talking to me for a month or so.

Got myself free tickets to watch Michael Buble live in Malaysia. Felt over the top witnessing him LIVE. He is THATTT amazing! Fantastic workmanship!

Scored my 'dream' job! Hahaha. As a fan girl of Daniel Lee back in 2005, I've always dreamed of being an artsite's personal assistant. And never have I thought I'd actually be one. Yes, I did a four month internship with Lawrence Wong (actor & host) It was a great experience & my only regret was that I didn't learn much! But despite that, I have a nice boss which as of date, we still do keep in touch! (: Thank you for always checking if I'm alright & advising me about what I deserve.

In my four month internship, I witnessed a the whole process of filming a local drama.

Never ending episodes of 8style pre-recording.

Went international during my internship. Not far, but yes. Went to Singapore for a real professional photo shoot.

Upon completing my internship, I officially graduated! Diploma in Mass Communication. More than 2 years of course! Proud, relief & awaiting for another chapter of education!

Fell deeply in love with the wrong guy, which until today I still am struggling to wake up from the horrible nightmare. I still have difficulties sleeping, I still have a hard time feeling okay when I hear his name, I still am not over him. He mean too much to me, despite knowing the fact that I meant nothing to him at all.

Sweet of him to send me this when he went on a work duty at Kuantan. Early courtship when he didn't even know how to spell my name. (:

Received roses from him, never ending surprises from him. He knows exactly how to make me feel like I'm the only girl in his world.

He saved my name as "I♥Rachael" and sent me an image of it. (:

Gave me really unforgettable memories, met his family and I instantly fell in love with them. The warmth I feel when I sat at the dinner table. Feeling totally unprepared because he surprised me with the dinner. Nevertheless, I feel blessed that we crossed path, I'm blessed that he came along and made me so happy. However, he thought me how to love and also made me lose all my hope & faith all over again after he left.

First time in my life, I drank till I got so drunk because I felt too upset with something that happened. Impulsive decision was to go clubbing immediately after I found out. I caused so much trouble that night. Friends had a hard time taking care of me. Yuki had to send me back to Subang with my car while Alex had to come all the way from Kepong to fetch Yuki back. Cried like crazy at the valet & in the car on the way home, puked all over my house and they had to clean up and then proceed to waking up with a horrible hang over.

When we came to an end, it was one of the worse downfall of the year. And even until today, I couldn't bare to feel alright whenever someone mention his name to me. No one knows how depressed I feel, they read from my status/twitter. But what do they know? Not my story. I still find it hard to be without him because he was so dear to me. Yes it was a very short period of time, but I just committed myself too soon and too much. And I can't seem to forgive myself for falling for him even when I knew that he would be a heart breaker. It's as though I see a wall ahead and yet I speed through and ran into it. Every day I still struggle to feel alright about being friends. Yes, that's the worse part. We are still friends, and somehow I think it's pretty impossible to be friends you have a past with and still have feelings for. ); But I just wouldn't listen. Every day I hurt myself more & more. ):

Had a good holiday in a few places!

Hard Rock experience in Penang with my friends! WHO GOES TO PENANG FOR EXPENSIVE HOTEL & EXPENSIVE FOOD?!

Bandung, with my parents.

&& Singapore.

Met my inspiration & even got my picture taken with her! Always looked up to her and have always been inspired by someone with so much determination and able to be so successful!

Learned knitting, knitted a scarf in less than a weeks time. ACHIEVEMENT!

This marks the end of twenty eleven, well what can I say? BRING IT ON TWENTY TWELVE! Happy New Year everyone! I don't make resolutions, but I want to love myself more. I HAVE TO. (; Good year ahead, abundance of health, joy, love & happiness! xox.

Pampered.

2011-12-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

Really random fact, after joining the gym for a year. I finally tried out RPM. Previously I had friends who tried to make me go for the class but all I do was reject them. I don't know why I had no guts to go. I'd say most of the time I just feel pretty shy about it, I don't think I'm weak. It's not that I can't handle the class neither. But I just feel very shy. Pretty insecure about doing it the wrong way perhaps. Care too much about what people might think about me and that sort. Oh well, finally broke the chain and joined Karyn for RPM. In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. Easier than I thought it would be, but when the class came to and end and when I got down from the bicycle, I felt how jiggly my legs were. I could hard walk straight. But it still wasn't that bad, so went for a swim. Was still feeling good! Hahah, until I came home...... IT WAS HORROR. My thighs are so sore, every time I walk down the stairs I feel like falling down. And I've been feeling the pain for two days now! Haven't been to the gym since RPM! I don't know when will I recover and when can I hit the gym again, but I hope it's soon. I always feel guilty for not going to the gym!

Anyway, spent my day having some me-time! Went to get a hair cut. And I don't know how to feel about it. It's not like it's some new-do. I've done this before, but somehow this time around it feels weird. It feels different. Maybe I got so used to my old hair, I'm just not used to seeing how I look like right now. But I hope when I doll up, I actually look okay with it.

You know what people say about cutting hair eh? About throwing away all your bad luck and what not. Hmmm, not a very superstitious person, but I'll go with it this time around. The year is ending, I need all my bad luck to end as well. :p

What say you? Same old me? Or just pretty weird this time around? :p Heh.

The hairstylist is pretty funny and nice to talk to. In case you're wondering, it's Jackham from Shawn Cutler, Bangsar who did my hair. Such a sweet heart! "Hello darling." he greeted me. Cheeky personality!

Hmm, despite wearing the White Birkenstock I've always to get the red one too! I don't know if I should but trying it on really tempted me to it! Urgh! Decisions!! Yes? No? Hmmm.

ANYHOWWWW, (2 weeks back) My neighbours has been pretty irresponsible with their dog. They left their Golden Retriever at home while they travel to Penang for work. Not a few days, but months. The least they could do was ask us to take care of it or something. The dog is so skinny and probably haven't eaten for days. Another neighbour even lodge a report to DBKL/SPCA. D: Drama much? Hahaha, anyway I got my dad to call the neighbour to ask for permission to feed the dog. So every now and then my sister or my dad would climb into their house to feed the dog. Until one day when we saw his wife come back to the house, apparently it's her husband who went to Penang while she's staying at her sisters place with her new born. Still, it didn't give them the right to abandon their dog! Saddens to see a dog starve and stuck in a small cage with her shit and pee. So we let the dog run around the compound and the neighbour even gave us their key to go into their house to feed her!

Look at how adorable she is!! She's been such a darling. Really tame! She gets all excited when we come home, waiting at the gate for us to go pet her something! Hahah, not only that, every time we feed her she starts running in circles and trust me, their tale slap actually HURTS.

Hope the neighbours would be back soon to take care of such a lovely dog. (:

Got me thinking.

2011-12-27T01:37:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen a couple who has been together for a long time and it made you think that you want a relationship that lasts that long and even longer perhaps? I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic person, I do every thing for the best of my partner. I think the extra mile of what could have happened. I need someone who will accept me for who I am, my complexity in the relationship and what not. As cliche as it may sound, I'm really simple. I want someone who would give me the attention I want, someone who would appreciate me for who I am, someone who would take time to understand me, someone who would take the time to listen to what I have to say. I don't need someone who will push me around. I don't want someone who comes and goes as he pleases. I think I've had enough of it.

I'm not gonna search, I'll wait for the right one to come along. And yes, I'll stop dwelling in my past. I'll move on and wait for the right person to come along. I've always believed that God is above watching every action and he has the perfect one for me. I may feel alone now, but if the right one comes along, fear not, I'll always have him. (: I'll wait for the person whom understands me, whom I can spend years and years with. I want that kind of relationship where people say "Damn, you guys are still together?" (; It puts a smile on my face.

I need to let the wrong one go in order to let the right one come along. (; God bless me.

For you, I will.

2011-12-26T17:45:00.000+08:00

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?

Disappointed? No.

2011-12-25T20:50:00.001+08:00

Despite the fact that I'm not Christian so I don't exactly celebrate Christmas, but I've always loved Christmas. I don't exactly know why. But it gives me a really warm feeling and it just makes me want to celebrate it with a loved one. It's not like other festive seasons! It's not like Chinese New Year, CNY doesn't give you a warm feeling, it doesn't make you want to celebrate with a particular loved one. When you hear CNY, you know it's about people. Lotsa people, family, friends and lotsa havoc. Nothing beats the feeling that Christmas gives.

I've got Christmas pretty much planned out. But of course, it didn't turn out the way I thought it would be or the way I wanted it to be. Well, am I disappointed? No, not at all. I get disappointed so often that I don't feel disappointed anymore and I can perfectly say that I'm used to it. But it's alright, I expected it to happen anyway. No one to blame but myself. For putting in hope, expectation, anticipation and my heart&soul into believing that he wouldn't disappoint me because he said he wouldn't.

My idea of a happy christmas didn't materialize, but it's alright. I should have seen this coming. And no I'm not gonna keep dwelling in this nonsense. (: Wherever you may be, Merry Christmas my love. xox.

with all the I'm alright(s). You would probably know I'm actually not alright at all.

I thought....

2011-12-25T20:35:00.000+08:00

This song reads me like a book, exactly how everything is. );

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

25th December, it's a funny thing. It's funny cause at Christmas, something in you gets so lonely. I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. And trust me, I know that feeling of loneliness. A void feeling in you. You can never fully describe how it actually feels but you know it's there.

Anyway, intended to spend a lonely Christmas eve. Until college mates came out with something. Had dinner and OverTime after. It was indeed pretty crazy, but I'm glad how it turned out to be and well surprises happen when you least expected it to. (: Managed to speak to him before the night ended. Thank you for texting love.

The night was fine, but nothing can describe the void feeling in me. I felt so alone in a crowded place and it's a horrible feeling. But I'm thankful to have them around! Indeed a crazy bunch! The night ended out of my expectations. No doubt it did put a smile on my face, but I guess I give in to the nonsense too easily. Forgive too easily, and let it by too easily. If only I could have let go of him just as easy too!

Oh well, nevertheless, Merry Blessed Christmas everyone! Time to usher in the new year! (;

Counting the days

2011-12-21T14:21:00.001+08:00

Every day feels like a day wasted because it wasn't spent with you. I feel like an idiot for always waiting for you. I feel stupid to always prioritise you no matter whatever situation I am in.

Just because you know I'm always going to be here doesn't mean you can take advantage of it. Taking me for granted. I'm stupid enough to allow you to do it to me. You have no idea how I feel and how horrible this is!

It's been seven days now. I don't know if I should be happy cause it's ONE week, a number less than seven. Sigh. Soon it's going to be eight days, nine days and so until the day you fly off, I won't be talking to you till next year. And next year may mean February, March and may mean never too. We've never go so long without talking to each other! Maybe this will end........ Soon. );

Coming to an end.

2011-12-20T19:06:00.001+08:00

How is 2011 treating you? A few more days and 2011 will come to an end! It's time to reflect and picture this;

"It's December 31st. The clock strikes midnight. Suddenly, it's 2011 all over again and you have the chance to redo everything. Would you?"

Yes, I definitely would. 2011 was such a horrible year for me, without hesitation, second thoughts or anything like that, I'd definitely redo 2011!

1) I would have spent more time with my late grandmother. During her last two months all I did was feel bitter about it. We can never truly be prepared for death even when you see it coming. Every single night I cried myself to sleep thinking about her leaving. She was so dear to heart, spent 19 years of my life with her. True enough, I tried to escape the pain. I tried to avoid knowing the fact that she was ill. I wanted to feel as though she was living her healthy life. But it was difficult when every single day I see her weaker and thinner. Till the day she could hardly speak or even look me in the eye. It's so heart breaking. But it's all good now, I still miss her but I know she's in better hands. I hope they have potted plants above for you to take care of. I hope they serve your favourite food and ice cream and chilled drinks for your sweet tooth. I hope they treat you as well as I thought I did. Most of all, I hope you're happy reuniting with grandpa. I love you popo!

2) I'd redo my internship differently. I wouldn't say the internship I did was bad. It's just that I felt it didn't provide me the knowledge and experience that I was looking forward to. I'd redo my internship in a corporate company when I deal with clients etc instead of just my boss. I wish I had colleagues. I wish I knew more people.

3) I wish you didn't find me on Talkbox. I wish we didn't exchange numbers. I wish we didn't started texting. I wish we didn't started talking on the phone. And what I wish most was that I didn't decided to meet you that night. If I didn't meet you that night, we wouldn't have kept going out. My feelings for you wouldn't have went so deep. I wouldn't have hurt myself this much. For so many months!

As for you;

I wish you didn't acted as though you fell for me. I wish you didn't acted as though I was your world. I wish you didn't show me how was it to be loved, to be happy. Despite all these, I wish you didn't leave me. I wish you didn't treat me like this. I wish you actually did love me. I wish you were truly happy when you were with me.

I guess instead of blaming you, I really wish that I actually stick to my words about not opening my heart to anyone. But with you I got weak. I fell so deep for you in the shortest time because of how close we were. But when I finally realised that the relationship was wrong, it was too late for me to pull myself out of the hell hole. It was too difficult to tell myself not to love you anymore. Well six months down the road and I still don't know what we are anyway. I've did too much, sacrificed too much. You can't even see my effort. You don't even see how much I'm hurting. You don't know me at all. Until today, I still wish I didn't do so much for you. I wish I didn't sacrifice my time for meeting you, and most importantly I really wish I didn't quit my job because of you. You may not be the only reason I quit, but you were partially the biggest reason why I decided to quit. Why? Because you said we don't spend enough time together because I work till weeee hours. And so for you, I quit. I guess it wasn't all that worth it after all. You left me not long after that. And I had all the time in the world to feel miserable and horrible and bitter about it. :'( But it's all the past now, it's not that I regret meeting you again, I just regret doing so much and falling so deep. Given another chance I'd probably still meet you. But perhaps I'd just take things slower and meet you less and hopefully didn't fall so deep for you! );

Hmmm, three regrets in a year. I guess thats not too bad right? What about you? (;

Five

2011-12-20T01:03:00.001+08:00

We haven't been talking for a few days and I'm trying to feel okay about it. But honestly it's doing me no good. Back then, you can't even stand not talking to me for an hour. But now? DAYS! I don't know how you do it. But honestly it's torturing me.

I keep convincing myself. I keep giving myself excuse for him. But it's really not easy when I think about you so much.

Christmas is around the corner. And all that's on my mind is wondering if we'll be able to spend it together. But honestly I'm doubting it. You know how simple I am. I don't ask for anything. Perhaps just asking for your time. ): Even if you had no plans on Christmas, you wouldn't even try to spend it with me. Because I'm not even an option. And that's where I stand in your life. I'm not even worth your time. );

But I'll be fine. I promise.

Spot, fucking on.

2011-12-19T00:15:00.001+08:00

Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried, how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve had to hold back the tears, how many times I’ve felt like I’m about to snap but don’t just for the sake of others, how many times I’ve felt like running away. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I’m sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody knows me, and thats what I hate the most.

My current thoughts.

2011-12-18T03:23:00.000+08:00

"People think that if you love somebody hard enough, then everything’s gonna work out. People are wrong."

Alone, yes that's the key word. The most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it, & hell is only a poor synonym.

"It's a sad moment when you come to understand how truly replaceable you are."

I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Most of the time, I want to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I don't even know how to describe it. So I stay quiet.

Someday I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful.

“People that are meant to be together always find their ways in the end.” - I hope this will be us.

We haven't spoken in days and I'm trying to be okay with that.

⌣_⌣

2011-12-17T11:56:00.001+08:00

So I'm here sitting by the pool thinking of all the what if's and what could have been. But only to realise that what could have been would have been if it was meant to be. ): What more can I do? I've tried my best and gave my all. And if my best isn't enough for you, I don't what more will be enough. My hard work. My effort. I've given all. I've wasted my nights waiting for you when you said you wanted to see. I've spent enough time being miserable because of you.

But then again, I've decided to stay so I'm responsible of the consequences that happens to me. Unless, one day I wake up and automatically decided to stop it since it makes me so unhappy. But I also wonder how is it possible to let go when what makes me sad is also what makes me happy?! );

I know I'm just giving myself excuse to continue this relationship despite knowing what the results would be. It's not going to make me happy in any way. It's just gonna slowly ruin me and kill me. If this relationship was really worth it, I wouldn't doubt him, I would be afraid if he wouldn't appreciate the things I do for him. Obviously there's no confirmation. No assurance in it. Every single day I live in doubt. Wondering if he thought of me. If I even crossed his mind for a split second. Or if he likes me even a tad bit. And where's there's no sound from him, I start to wonder if this really marks the end of everything. I don't know how long can I live in this situation.

I don't know how someone who just walked into my life has the power of controlling my feelings and thoughts when I should have all the power to control MY own thoughts and feelings. This is getting out of hand and it's unfair. And even more unfair when I'm not even given a chance to prove myself. Life is unfair after all. I'm tired of feeling like this every single day. I wake up feeling miserable and I fall asleep with tears. I have dreams of you calling me, bringing me out, having good time together and such. And that's a horrible feeling when I only can dream about it. I feel embarrassed just by having those dreams. I feel miserable when I can't even accomplish something so simple! It's really horrible. ⌣_⌣

Sigh.

2011-12-16T22:06:00.000+08:00

I should have thought so, I should have seen this coming, I should have known. No matter how much effort I put into doing it, no matter how hard I try and whatever way I could figure, it will never change his mind. I don't think there's anything left to be done but just to let time heal my wounds.

I've never felt this demotivated and upset over something. And these feelings, not even words can describe. I don't even know where to start and such. But I feel the heart ache. Sometimes when I think about it, I can feel the sharp little needles poking my heart and I really mean it. People who's been hurt would know what type of feeling I'm talking about.

It's sad that no matter how hard I try, I'm not given a chance to prove myself. And it's sad that the person doesn't see my effort. Over and over again, it happens. And over and over again I'm going to say the same thing, I put myself into this position, I allow that person to hurt me and so I have no fucking rights to complain about it. :'( And honestly I'm not even asking for much, just a chance for you to see what could have been. Sigh.

"I'm not even remotely appreciated and this only happens when things are done for the wrong person."

B-U-S-Y.

2011-12-15T18:17:00.000+08:00

The past one/two weeks have been pretty busy. Well I wouldn't say busy, I was just occupied with things to do. I painted the room downstairs, and I'll be 'shifting' there when I'm done buying furniture and such. One wall pink and another 3 sides in white. Took a whole 6-7 hours to paint! Not forgetting the plaster ceiling!! It was tiring! Of course I gotta thank my parents for helping out too! And my mom for cleaning up! Hahah :D

Went over to Morib last weekend with my mom to catch a show. It was a longgggg drive! Literally same time consumed as to going Malacca! D: But nevertheless, somehow enjoyed the trip. Being able to look at the sea, sunset and enjoy the breeze. I love.

Yes, I was in a tad bit of Christmas mood hence the ribbon head band. Well on the other hand, I manage to get heck lotsa attention from people there. HAHAHAHAH.

Mmm, have you ever had that feeling of experiencing something good and all you wanted to do was to share it with one particular person? I always have that feeling. Every thing I experience something good, I automatically think of only one person and how I wish that person could either be by my side at that moment or having to experience the same thing together the next time. (:

Christmas is just around the corner and I've been pretty busy making Christmas cards. No, I don't actually celebrate Christmas. But since I've got all the free time in the world, I decided to make Christmas cards for my friends! ;D Also hand made a gift for a friend. (: Happily completed it and it's now safe with it's new owner. I must say, although there wasn't any feeling of satisfaction upon completing, but after giving it to my friend it almost felt like I've gotten a heavy burden off my shoulder. I've been contemplating and having doubts about the gift. The thought of it being handmade gave me all the doubt. I kept worrying what if it was ugly, what if my friend didn't like it, didn't appreciate it and stuff like that. It contained all my sweat, blood, tears, effort & time. I wouldn't want to put all those to waste! Oh well, now the misery has ended. I should feel happy. (: I AM happy.

Hoping for better things in the coming days. (;

Tired.

2011-12-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

I'm finally really tired. Most of the time, I'd always say that I'm tired with dealing with all these nonsense. But this time around, I'm actually really tired, physically and mentally drained from dealing with it. Not just saying it anymore. And somehow I'm used to how things are going now.

Love shouldn't hurt they say, but then again every rule has an exemption, because with him it does. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel the word everyone is making a big fuss about, so then I wouldn't get hurt. Believe me love is not all it's cracked up to be. Half of the time you'd just be crying the other half wiping the tears and in between those a few smiles. I myself used to think that when you're in love, you'd hear the birds singing but the only thing i heard was the hollow echo in my being. I thought the sky would turn blue but it turned grey and rained on me. I thought that my eye would be sparkling with joy but it only glistened with the tears. Why do we have to love someone who could never love us back and why do we dream when we know that those we have woven will cease to be but a dream? I'm not saying that love is a bad thing, it never is. What bad is when you fall in love nad the person does not fall in love back. I wish that someday I could be in love again without have to shed a single tear and wish that if I do, love would not hurt as bad.

It's a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them and they simply don't need you at all. Yes, I feel this way every single day. I wake up thinking about him, I go through my day waiting and anticipating for him to start a conversation with me, and I usually end my day being disappointed.

And I'm glad and proud of my heart. Used, stabbed, betrayed, hurt and whatever you can name, it's still working with some pain.

Glad that I'm still able to put on a smile. (:

I'm a HAPPY girl!!

2011-11-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

:D Honestly with all the shit (more like what i do to upset myself) happening to me for the past three months, I haven't felt this happy! Superbly well spent weekend! For the past three days, I kept wanting to tweet about it. But I'm just too afraid that I'll jinx my great weekend. And why did I decide to blog about it? Cause I honestly feel it will come to an end anyway.

Friday, Saturday & Sunday. Beyond happy. Especially Saturday! Spent quality time together. (: But it almost feels like we begin to drift apart. Looking at the fact that I'm the ony one putting effort anyway. Sigh. I'll accept what I have for now.

I can't express how happy I am, but I honestly am. Though on and off I still have some negativ thoughts. But I'll make do and appreciate my great weekend! I can't express more. I'm just beyond happy. (; I love you!

(: HAPPY GIRL.

⌣_⌣

2011-11-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

I know all I ever blog about is how heart broken I am, how he's treating me and shit like that. But trust me, this is the only place that I can express. Friends are bored of knowing, and well this blog is basically the only place I can express my feelings. );

It sucks to feel lonely. The feeling where no one is there for you. Not friends, not even family. Broke down to tears when I was home alone last night. Tears just kept flowing, yes, as strong as I may look on the outside, I'm actually a weakling. I cry for the most tiny problem. And that pretty much sucks. What more I've been so attached to him, I got used to having him. But then all of a sudden I have no one at all to talk to. ); Pft.

And what's worse is, I think he's finally giving up trying to keep me. Not that he's been putting any effort. Just that back then, he still calls and stuff like that. Now, he couldn't even be bothered. And it's sad that I'm trying to walk away and he's not even doing anything about it. It sucks. And you know, I always think it's the timing problem. We started meeting and talking too soon. It's just the wrong timing, if only he were to find me a year later when he's emotionally stable. For now, he's just not over it and I'm the rebound that didn't make it. And if in the future, when he has moved on I know I won't be the girl that he'll be with. Simply because of the wrong timing. And I'm upset. Because he was who I really wanted. Oh well, let fate decide. ); I guess this pretty much marks the end of it. And yet I'm still thinking of ways to keep him, to make him come back to me. It's not worth it. I know. ); But.... sigh! I'll just let it be for now.

I'm struggling to go through every day. It's hard when whatever I do, every little thing will remind me of him. Even things like fish reminds me of him. Urgh! Cant take myself anymore. );

Always the apple of my eyes 

2011-11-22T02:16:00.001+08:00

Just watched "You Are The Apple Of My Eye." [那些年，我們一起追的女孩] I never did imagine it to be that good. Been wanting to watch it for the past few days and it's all being SOLD OUT. Not just being left with front row tics, but SOLD OUT. And so I took the risk, bought front row tickets for the first time in my life just to catch the much talked about movie! Though it was pretty hard watching from the front row, but no regrets because it was actually THATTT good.

No doubt the movie did bring back a lot of memories back in school. How I'd go to school, sit in class, pay attention during lessons and dealing with goofy friends! I miss recess, I miss the feeling of being in school with friends when back then, there were never any problems that I face today. Urgh, I don't know how to express how much memories it brought back! BUT IT WAS GOOD!

Not only that, but there comes a scene where I could only picture myself in the lead actors position. Letting go of his love and only to be attending their wedding few years down the road. I couldn't stop imagining myself attending his wedding, not knowing if I should be absolutely happy for him or being all bitter thinking that I could have been the girl in that wedding dress. And if I could, I'd never want to be in his position. ): I can never fully express how I actually felt when I was watching the scene. The bittersweet feeling. Sigh. Oh well, I guess we can never fully picture the future. (:

All in all, the movie is worth watching. I absolutely liked it! (:

♥ w²

Meaningless.

2011-11-21T12:31:00.002+08:00

Sorry means so little when you're going to repeat the same thing over and over again. And I can say I'm finally tired. Tired of dealing with his never ending nonsense. Being lied to, being ignored and being talked to as he likes. It's funny how I'm so hurt until I can't feel the pain anymore. I don't even feel angry. And it's sad that I can finally say "I'm used to it."

I can't imagine the pain I'd go through for him. And it's stupid that I'm willing to put up with all the nonsense. Well, I think I've had enough. Three months of this sort of treatment? If it was the old me, I'd have went bonkers! I don't know why am I so calm this time around, it scares me how I'm adapting to all these. I don't know if I'm really fine with it, or I'm just too hurt. I am clueless myself. And what's worse is that I put it with all of it over and over again without saying anything. He's only doing it because he knows I'll always be here for him. And well, that's changing. I'm only going to be there for him mentally. And he'll be that guy that no matter how many more guys I'll meet, I'll always have a little feelings for him. Just like how the past 6 years were.

But I won't be your door mat anymore. Get a new one.

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me. Today my life begins. A whole new world is waiting.

How long can you do this?

2011-11-20T03:40:00.000+08:00

Appreciate other people's feeling. For even though it's nothing for you, it could also be their everything.

Very often I tell myself that whenever there's a misunderstanding or a problem, just take it in. Don't voice it out and cause even more problems. But then there's only so much that I can take. How much can I be keeping to myself? How much can I act as though there's nothing wrong when EVERY THING IS?!

I always think about people's feelings before doing any thing at all. I try my best to please every one. I try not to hurt people's feelings. In every situation, I try to stay out. I don't take sides. I speak as a neutral person. I don't like causing any additional problems. But then I realized, by doing so it only cause myself to be stepped on. Basically, you can never please every one. If you please yourself, you can't please other people and vice versa.

I can't believe the amount of bullshit I took in for the past 6 months. I never thought I'd be so calm in all these. Usually I'd be superbly pissed and probably not giving two fucks about the relationship. But now? I'm taking all in, I always find an excuse for him, no matter how bad the situation is. I always blame myself for it all. Even when clearly, he's the one at fault. Sigh. I'm at that point where I don't know how to feel. At the point where I'm so hurt till I can't be hurt anymore. ); Every time I find out something, I just take a deep breath and take it in.

Smile for it is easier than explaining why you're sad (:

In our own hands.

2011-11-18T20:54:00.001+08:00

The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'!

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to learn our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.

But there's always contradicting sayings. When the rope gets too tight, you loosen and it will not choke you. Hmmm, so how do you comprehend everything in life? How do you make sure you don't leave out anything? Over and over again, it narrows down to making choices. You'll never know if you're making the right or wrong choice. But always bare in mind to never regret any choice you make. Because at that point of time, that's exactly what you wanted to do. (;

p/s Considering a domain name, should I? Hmmm.

What's my problem?

2011-11-17T20:16:00.000+08:00

You know what's the problem with me? I realize that I'm too committed. In fact, I'm too quickly committed. It hasn't been too long that we've been going out and yet I'm already so committed. I don't know if I'm too committed or he just became a norm/habit thing to me. Some say being committed is good while some say it isn't. I honestly think it's depending on situation. In my case, it's horrible to be committed in such a short time. I've became too dependent on him on my happiness. Because with him, I forget the world. With him, no matter where we go or what we do. I feel happy. The feeling of being genuinely happy by doing nothing. How often do you feel like that?

I quickly understood that he has also became a habit that I can't shake. The things we did for the few months has became a mundane routine. Never ending conversations! Non stop texting, talkbox-ing, calling! Usually by 1pm, I'd receive about 10 calls from him. We can talk and talk and talk and talk. What about you may ask? Well, practically nothing. Yet, we can keep the conversation going! We meet every single day, movies, dates, drinks, anything at all!

I'm just someone who loves living in the past because I know whatever that happened then, won't happen for another time. I love looking back at how great things were going and that's when my mood goes 6 feet under. Knowing that I will never have the chance to relive those moments again.

You know what I miss? I miss who he used to be. I miss his "good morning bubu." calls. I miss his never ending "bao bei, i miss you" calls. I miss how he gets disappointed if I couldn't meet him. I miss how he used to prioritize me in everything. I miss how he calls me every hour! I miss how he drags me to breakfast at 9am. I miss how he doesn't care about my wake up face. I miss how he kisses my forehead. :* it's the sweetest! I miss how he always kiss my hands before I leave. I miss how he randomly pops up with roses! I miss movies with him. I miss our facetime conversations. I miss holding hands. I miss how he holds my waist. I miss how he hugs me. I miss how he whispers those three words to me. I miss dinner with his family. I miss how he gets jealous. I miss how he would come all the way back to Subang just to have breakfast/lunch with me. I miss how he pays attention to every little detail I say/do. I definitely miss how he used to put my name on his statuses/accounts. I miss how he would introduce me to his friends. I miss walking by the park with him. I miss talking about our future. What I miss most? I miss having him by my side.

But then...... whatever I miss, doesn't matter anymore. Because we simply can't be. Writing out what I miss triggered me more that I'm now alone. He's no longer here with me. And it's just constantly reminding me that I have to be okay with it. Be it I like it or not. Sad but true.

Just for once

2011-11-16T20:21:00.001+08:00

Just for once, I wish that someone would treat me right, love me unconditionally and such. But over and over again I get treated like dirt. In fact I get treated worse than dirt. I've lost respect for myself because I understand that I'm being treated like this simply because I allow it to happen. I never did stand up for myself when all this is happening. I was too blind to see. I had my hopes to high that he did it for a reason. Well maybe the reason behind his actions is pleasure.

Had a short heart-to-heart talk with him yesterday and I'm surprise by the things he say. It gets worse by the second. All the hurtful things he said, stab right through my heart and yet? I allow it to happen. I don't know how to protect myself and it's such a pity that I'm hurting myself.

They said, if it didn't work for the first time, it wouldn't work for the second time neither. Well can I have a glimpse of hope that third times a charm? 6 years ago we didn't work out. God gave us another chance. We met after so long, I developed feelings and all was going well. Until three months back. There's no one to blame in this. Should I blame him for wanting her back? Or should I blame her for coming back to Malaysia? Or best of all, should I blame myself for falling for him? There's no right or wrong in this. It's only what you decide to do to make this happen. So all in all, there's no one to blame but yourself. Remember, in every problem. YOU ARE TO BE BLAMED. At least I try to apply that so I'd be careful in every aspect of life.

I could have pulled myself away from this situation the second I was threatened. But I didn't. I wanted to risk it because he was who I wanted. I want to fight for him because I lost him 6 years ago. And never in my wildest dream I would have him by my side after 6 years. Hence, I tried. And now? I'm scarred. I'm horrified, I'm hurt, bruised, skinned and all the alike. Who to blame? Myself. Even after all this that happened, I still allow him to continue hurting me. With his words/actions.

When will I realize that this isn't right. He's not meant for me and we won't be together. If he wanted me, he would have fought for me. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have called/texted. I wouldn't be the one doing all those. And there's no such thing for being too busy. If he really loved me, he would have made time for me no matter what.

Yeah, in the beginning he did all those. He was the most caring guy I've ever met. He's the sweetest and he knows exactly what to say. But well, you know what people say? Seasons change. So did he. He's no longer the one I knew 6 months ago. He wasn't the guy who wanted me anymore. So why should I stay here and be stepped on like a rug? Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to be beautiful, and if this isn't beautiful. This isn't love. So Rachael, forget him. Forget about all that's happened in the past half year. Half year is not that hard to let go. You were happy without him, you can be happy again without him. Trust yourself that you can. Your mind is stronger than you think. (;

I just want to be happy, and when I've overcome the fact that we couldn't be. I hope I'll be able to be happy again. I strongly believe that he's just a bad habit that I can't shake. As to what I'm seeing, he's doing perfectly fine without me. And so I shall be perfectly as fine without him.

Tribute to the nice girls.

2011-11-16T16:01:00.002+08:00

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you.

I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl.

You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.

You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

Golden rules.

2011-01-04T18:39:00.000+08:00

Past is a good place to visit, but certainly not a good place to stay.

While most of you girls want to be pretty, I just want to be happy. My definition of happy is known by myself and only I! ;D Hahah! I know I pretty much don't make sense right now. But I guess, THIS is blogging. Ha! Anyway, it's a new year. I used to make a long list of resolutions, but I slowly grew out of it. That's when I realized that you're not gonna wake up to a new year and do what you said you'd do since God knows how long ago. That's just how it works, if you're determined enough you'll do it. You don't need a new year to do something! New hopes? It's the same thing.

I used to do highlight's of my year as well. I grew out of it this year. Because well, life is not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Bitter moments took place in 2010, that's why I'm not gonna highlight anything. And I will most likely stop doing so for the coming years as well! ;) But I must say, it was a smooth roller coaster ride! :)

A great year awaits! ;)

Sorting out my life.

2011-01-03T02:39:00.002+08:00

I know it's a little too early to sort out my life. And I know I've said that I don't want to live a planned life. But really, at the same time. I don't want to have a single chance of screwing it up neither! Thinking over and over again what do I really want to achieve. What is it that I really want to do. Why am I studying this course and the alikes. While a lot of my friends are already doing their degree, I'm still in diploma. Also, at the same time thinking if I'll be able to graduate on time! :(

Had a few things in mind that I've sorted out. Hope it all goes well.

On the other note, grandma hasn't been feeling too well. I pray for her speedy recovery!

he who makes everything possible!

2011.

2011-01-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

So yes, bandwagon. I'm all 'hyped' up about 2011. But you know what? It's boring! Can we roll in 2012 already? Hahah! I'm kidding! But still, I don't find what's so great about new year's. Am I slowly growing up to someone boring? Because I didn't want to go out last nite. I didn't want to join the crowd to celebrate and welcome a new year. Or was it because there was too much memories in 2010 that I didn't want to leave behind yet don't want to bring forward? So much is going on my little head but I clearly know what should be done. It doesn't take a genius to know what's good for yourself.

Moving on, 2011? Come what may. I'm all ready. I'm ready for the bullshits, nonsense, downfall, bottom rock and whatever that there is. I'll still go through it! (: For sure!

2010-12-24T11:53:00.000+08:00

"There's always something wrong with me. My insecurities ruins everything."

Honestly there's a part of me which is anticipating for a New Year. Another part of me just dies off that 2010 had to end. Filled with high and lows that will never ever be forgotten/replaced. A year has mockingly danced pass my eyes. A year just has too much to express in a blog post. There's more to it. More than anyone would know. ;)

Oddest hour.

2010-12-22T04:44:00.000+08:00

"If you have love in your life, it can make up for many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's never enough."

It's the holiday season, year end sale season. Every reason to be happy about. Funny how I'm just not satisfied. Loving the quote above to bits, because it's so true that I think no one can actually deny it. I really mean no one! Even if I've gotten several Burberry Polo's I still wouldn't be happy. Even if I buy more LV's, Chanel's, Prada's, I still wouldn't be satisfied. Even if I have a Golf, I'm still not contented. I guess nothing is ever enough as long as there's no one I can share it with. :')

Oh well, on the brighter note. I've been psychically tougher. Been working out like crazy till the extent that I can't work out anymore. I guess it's finally time for a break. After all, I've really been working out for 6 days a week! ;D But I'll still work harder though! ;)

I quickly realized....

2010-12-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

I quickly realized that I've been enjoying gym all this while. I've been going to the gym 6 days a week 2-3 hours per day. That's an achievement I'd say! And another thing was, I used to think that going to the gym with period is the biggest hassle ever! But then I guess when you're really determined to do something you'd do it with all you can/have. Despite having period for the past 4 days. I've still been going to the gym doing my daily routines.

Finally had my first PT session today. I was superbly scared I'd say. Was scared to embarrass myself was the main issue. Haha! Everything was well and it was all good, had some good laugh at myself and it was over. Faster than I thought and my next session would be on Monday. Will then be afraid again! PEH!

Wish me luck! :D

Pushing myself to a corner.

2010-12-13T17:28:00.000+08:00

Someday there’ll be no more reasons for me to stay. Someday there’ll be no one left for me to love. All because I can’t love myself. I’m at wits end and I don’t want to be saved. My brain churns negative thoughts and replay them constantly, driving myself mad (hence the fairly similar content in my posts). It’s so crazy, I’m spiraling out of the circle of sanity a little too frequent as of late.

Without fail.

2010-12-13T00:39:00.004+08:00

You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes.

You’re fighting.

2010-12-11T14:58:00.003+08:00

‎When I was at school, my teacher told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.

;))

Confused

2010-12-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

I'm pretty confused with myself. I honestly don't know which direction to go anymore. I haven't been myself for the past God knows how many months. I've changed into a different person and I'm sure most of my friends can see it.

I've been feeling extra emo for the past few days. Yes, gazillion things was going through my mind. And honestly, I don't know what's the point for thinking so much. I try to keep myself occupied, but I don't know what's wrong with me. Despite being dead tired, I still stay awake till 4-5am! In fact I'm feeling day tired right now, I just got back from the gym at 11.30pm and it's almost 1am now and I'm not even tucked in. All I keep thinking about is nonsense. I know I said I'd keep myself occupied. But I guess no matter how occupied I am, I still can think.

Lately I've been extra emo and also extra grumpy. I don't think it's the time of the month, but maybe it's just the diet. Truth to be told, I eat one meal a day and it's really frustrating. And I really watch out for what I eat for that one miserable meal. I'm not complaining, after all it's what I really want. But then I guess nothing beats wanting something else. Sigh.

It was superbly hard to fall asleep last night. I was listening to Bruno Mars' "Talking to The Moon", pretty great song for someone like me. Cried a little while I was thinking about nonsense. Sigh, time to really really really be better. (;

ps/ i like to add pictures to my postings to not make it seem boring! so hee! i know it's irrelevant!

All the above pictures taken in Genting ;D

I'm not pointing fingers.

2010-12-05T22:05:00.000+08:00

A lot of things amazes me. A lot of thing amuses me too. And I'm amazed at what happened within a blink of eye. Never would I thought that I'd see this coming, but guess what? It did. I was thinking about it and hoping that it was just a small obstacle. Again, I guess not. I tried to patch things up, I made an effort to make things better. But I guess, you've changed your perception towards. It's okay, no one's at fault and I'm not pointing any fingers. I admit, I may not have been much of a great friend, but I think I've tried.

'Stonning' at starbucks while waiting for the adults to be done with the casino! Starbucks brings me joy! I've finally completed all the stamps thingy majeeky! Happy girl! ;D

On the bright side, it's been a pretty good week. When I say pretty good, it means just okay. Met up with Caryn yesterday! I was so happy to know that she's back from Australia. Funny how people don't spend time when they are actually around, but only spend time when they've went farrr away. I guess this is human nature. We couldn't stop talking the very second we met! Was at Decanter for lunch and apparently she finds that restaurant really chilly and awesome! Hee! Watched 'Due Date' at Tcm! Some last minute plans and also had cake at secret recipe after. We went out at 1.30 and I sent her home at 10pm! That's some longgggg talking hours! Hahaha!

Nevertheless I really enjoyed her company. We talked so much about the past and it's really good reminiscing! ;D And also, truth to be told some part caused me to tear. I'm not being dramatic. It's true! hee! Good times good times!

p/s. Back to huffing and puffing week at the gym! (:

High land.

2010-12-01T23:59:00.006+08:00

Blogging from the high land. Not cold, not windy, feels just right. At least I don't have to sweat. I'm bored to my bones sitting here. If it wasn't for the broadband, I think I'd probably die already! My phone's coverage is kinda low. So yeah. Stayed in for the whole day, doing nothing! I hope tomorrow's gonna be a way more productive day compared to today! ;D Cousins are coming up!

They'd probably hit the casino which I can't enter. I don't know where am I gonna go to stone. ): There's nothing much that can be done here! Honestly, I'd prefer to stay home doing nothing than here, doing nothing as well. At least I could go to the gym if I was back at home! Over here, all I ever think of is food! Hahah!

And I got sick of people talking behind my back about the things I do. When they actually tend to do the things that they've condemned me about. Am I even making any sense here? Pft! Can't wait to be back home. Two more days to kill. -_-

Changes happens, I know.

2010-12-01T04:18:00.000+08:00

I know how it's only natural that changes take place in life. But sometimes I wish time would stop. They say that happiness and sadness run apparel to each other, but why does sadness keep running and it wouldn't stop and wouldn't take a break? I need happiness to catch up and honestly it seems like it's not gonna be easy. Whatever that I see is not what my mind can adapt, and it's not doing me any good. It's pulling my confidence so low that I don't even know where should I begin to pick myself up again.

I don't know why can't I accept myself for who I am. I keep comparing myself to people, I keep wanting to be better. I keep wanting to be someone else, I keep wanting to be 'accepted' when I don't even accept myself. I sort of got a wake up call from my friend today, I know he may not be serious but at least I realised that someone actually accepts me for who I am. Be it fat or skinny, pretty or ugly. I guess the problem is myself and no one can really change this perception for me.

I'll continue working for what I want. I'll keep chasing for my goal, even if it takes the rest of my life. Because I know this is the only way that I can gain back what I've lost. Not physically, but at least mentally. And I know if I don't love myself, no one is gonna love me neither.

It's not love that I'm talking about. It's not that I can't let go, I simply can't forget. And well the bitter truth is, I'm just jealous. For the past 7 months, I've been nothing but shitty. I've only been torturing myself and I clearly know that I need to put a fucking end to all this nonsense.

Along the way, I've lost everyone that I had. No one's ever there for me anymore. I tell my problems to people that I'm not even close to. I ask for advice from people whom I hardly know. Tell me, how aimless could I be?

And tonight, it's all happening again. These tears, has gotta go!

Finally over.

2010-11-30T17:57:00.000+08:00

Finals are finally over. Did one of my final presentation yesterday. After so much lack of sleep for the past one whole week. I napped from 1-6pm! And then slept from 4am-12pm. Feels good that I can sleep till whatever time I want! :D

Something funny happened last night when I was at SS2. Two ladies knocked on my car window, and asked if I know how to speak mandarin. I said no, even when I know. She continued to yap away.

She said "Don't worry, I'm not here to scam you. I'm from Beijing China and I can't seem to find my friend. Can I seek for your help for some money so I can eat and go through tonight?" Honestly does she think I'd fall for it? Whats more funny is, I saw her coming out from a Myvi like 10 cars away from mine. What a joke!

Anyhowwwww, I went to Ou with Kimee today. Shopped a little, and had yummeh lunch at Delicious! Went over to Empire to settle the gym stuff and I'm back at home. I somehow am thinking so much about this one month of holidays. There's so much that I want to do yet so little time and moneh! I absolutely know that I need to catch up with some friends that I haven't been in contact for a very long time. And also, there's so many things that I want. I feel like working for it, but at the same time I know that my dad wouldn't be happy about me working. ): So I guess it's no to working and yes to cutting down the things I want. Oh well, I'll just deal with whatever I have! :)

Drained.

2010-11-22T19:43:00.002+08:00

This time around I'm not drained from being at the gym. Haven't been to the gym for almost a week now. But will be resuming after the finals. Finals giving me a headache. There seems like there's really so much to read but actually, I can't seem to focus at all. I try to 'study' but I end up chatting, facebooking and whatever you can think of. Oh yeah, tumblr too! Hmmm.

Been spending a lottttt on Starbucks. I go there for 'studies'. Lol. More like just for the stamps!

Ice Caffe mocha, low fat which I can never finish it because at one point it gets bitter and I don't like it but I order it cause it's low in calories. So yeah, most of the time I leave it like the above. ): How I miss caramel frap. ):

Hmmm, there's 7 stamps there. That means 5 more to go. And I certainly do not want to drink the peppermint mocha. Apparently it kinda suck. ): Can cute baristas be really nice to me and help me stamp the peppermint mocha instead? :D Hahaha!

Just for the album. (;

I honestly cant wait for the finals. Partly cause its the holidays, and also cause I cant wait to be going to the gym. Hopefully I live up to my words and go like 6 days a week and if I can, I'd be more than happy to go for 7 days. These pounds gotta go! ):

Copywriting tomorrow, hmmm. It's like I have all the knowledge behind my head but I know I'm gonna walk into the hall and go all blank. It ALWAYS happens. ): Wish me luck!

Am I tired?

2010-11-18T16:06:00.000+08:00

Without fail, every single day I feel tired. And sometimes I actually wonder if I'm really tired or am I assuming that I'm tired. Confusing ain't it? Yeah, I'm weird like that. Supposingly, Thursday has no class. But this week, we had extra class since the finals are just around the corner. Went anyway, and got briefed about the exam. Trust me, I actually feel scared about it. Apparently, MRM has high failure rate. So yeah I'm hoping to pass. Not with flying colours or any shit like that, but I just want to PASS. For the first time through out my whole course, I have 5 papers to sit for. All 5 subjects I took had finals. Hmmm, kinda hectic!

On the other side, the scale isn't doing me any good. Every time I weigh myself I get a little disappointed. Well yeah, it doesn't happen over night. But oh well, maybe I'm just rushing things. (: Hee. I went to Pyramid alone after class today. Walking aimlessly. No direction of any sort. And I don't even know why I went there in the first place. Maybe I just didn't wanna go home. Pft. Feeling sleepy as I type, but I better complete my studies before I nap or do anything at all. ):

"Sometimes I feel that people don't understand me.

But more often than not, it's me who don't understand myself."

Never good enough.

2010-11-16T22:30:00.000+08:00

Why is it that I'm never good enough? Not good enough for you, you, HIM, her, that group and basically just every one lah. Pisses me off. Gym ain't doing me any good. I need to push myself to the edge of the cliff, where I'm about to fall. I'm always very tempted to give up. I don't find the reason to do things this way. I should be enjoying the process of it, but it seems like it's a torture and a burden. ): The 'stop' button on the treadmill is always so tempting. I'm always tempted to just click the 'stop' button and walk away. But I always keep myself motivated. Find some shit to say to my mind.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't just pay attention to my flaws. But that's all I see in myself. I don't know how did my confidence go down the drain, but it somehow did anyway. Maybe perfection is all I'm looking for, but I guess perfection doesn't really exist, does it? Maybe not in my own world. ): Pftt.

I think I should stop talking so much and keep every thing to myself. Even if I were to talk, no one really cares anyway. ):

My heart and brain doesn't work together.

2010-11-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

It's funny how you know when you're doing something which is oh-so-wrong and yet you still do it. I've always held on to a few principles of my own. Seems like I've already broke a few of it. I don't know when will I break all of it. I won't be surprised. (: It's also funny how it's easier to give advice than to take advices. When someone has a problem, i can write an essay of 10 pages of what they can do. But when I need to apply them to myself? Hmmm. That's going to be a problem.

Went gym today despite the fact that people are telling me that I'm over doing it. But oh well, no pain no gain! Bought some groceries for my apparent healthy diet. And also bought my dinner from O'briens. Had only one piece of sandwich at 10am.

Yeah, everyone knows O'briens is oh-so-healthy blablablabla and shits like that. Gave it a try, ate a quarter of the sandwich. Then I googled the calories the sandwich contained. CAME TO MY SURPRISE. MAMACHUTS! 1177.5 calories. I swear I died a little when I saw it. Honestly I felt pretty bad for consuming it! Never again to O'Briens! Even a plate of aglio olio only containts 450-500 calories. Yes I'm sounding like some freak right now, but yeah. Deal with me! ;D

Don't have my car tomorrow, I still want to go to the gym. And I'll find a way to go to the gym anyway. ):

No objection.

2010-11-14T13:12:00.002+08:00

Lazy Sunday. I've been working out for three days straight. 1 to 1 and a half hour of cardio every single day. And also sauna. I must say my leg does hurt from doing all this. But then again, no pain no gain. Still, I'm afraid if I'll get cardiac arrest or i'll tear my muscle. *Drama* Hahah!

Woke up and felt like shit. Many random thoughts went through my head. And I just kept motivating myself. Telling myself why I'm doing this. Was thinking of going to the gym, but as I got out of bed, I realized that my legs are dead painful. I could hardly walk! Am I over working the gym thing? For once, I feel so determined to do something. And I told myself that I must achieve it no matter what. Even if it takes me a year! Looking on the bright side, the scale is making me happy every morning. I just gotta continue being persistent and of course I've gotta be more and more determined to make this work.

All this while, I've never really told my dad about going to the gym. I know how much he'd disagree about gym because my sister signed up for a two year contract and didn't make use of it. So I planned with my mom to make it work. Pay by cash or some shit like that instead of the credit card. But over the talk after brunch today, I finally told my dad that I'd be signing up for gym. Hahaha, just as I guessed, the first phrase which he said was "HELLO! I'm already paying 100 something for someone's gym!" And then there goes my sister adding some oil to the fire, "Yeah, she's gonna be like me. She won't go!" Lol. It goes on and on and on! But then again, no objection from my dad after I told him the price. He seems fine with it. And now my job is just to utilize it.

I got kinda pissed in the car earlier because I might not have my car in December. Reason? My dad wants to drive the other car, resulting to my sister taking my car and the only car left at home is my dad's love so I cant touch it. Not only I can't go out. Cannot go gym also is it? As if my morning wasn't bad enough.

"The genuine smile that have yet to return."
This is the reason why I'm going through hell.

Right at the edge.

2010-11-13T11:06:00.002+08:00

I need a hobby, I think I've found it. Most of the time, all I ever do is stay home, go online and EAT. I can't go out too often, Uncle Peter goes crazy if I do so. I needed to do something that doesn't revolve around home and yet being out won't result to scolding. GYM. Though yes, it costs quite a sum. But I guess, you get good results in return.

Been to the gym for the past few days. All I ever did was push myself to the max. Till the extend when I get off from the treadmill, I actually feel like I'm flying. One hour on the treadmill. Gradient at 10 on and off. Slow walk, fast walk, jog, run, slow walk..... and it goes on. Followed by 15 minutes of endurance elliptical and 15 minutes of sauna. Am I gonna die from working out like this? Okay, perhaps it's not that extreme. But my legs are sore. I'm still very persistent in losing weight.

On the bright side, some people actually think I'm stupid. Not knowing that I'd find out. But well, guess again SUCKER! (:

How to trust?

2010-11-10T20:30:00.003+08:00

Honestly I don't know how to trust people anymore. All they ever do is talk behind your back. Regardless of whatever good deeds you've done or how you've helped them. What more guys, the more I've lost trust. Can never understand how can a guy cheat on their girlfriend. And I mean I can NEVEEEEER understand that.

I need a goddamn hobby to keep my mind off all the nonsense! All I ever do when I'm free is think of nonsense and think of what a bad person I am. And how I'm not good enough and shits like that. And every time I see someone pretty/skinny, I tend to ask myself why am I not half or even quarter as good as her. ):

College been keeping me busy. With a lot of assignments in hand. Exam around the corner before I get this sem over with! Honestly can't wait for exams to be over. ;D

A lot has been going through my mind. Went the extra mile and came to a lot of conclusions. But yet the vision is unclear of what's right and what's wrong ): Help?

Empty.

2010-11-09T20:53:00.002+08:00

So empty that I don't even know what to write. Sometimes I realised that I'm so problematic till an extend that I wonder if it's a sickness. There are times when I don't feel like talking to people at all. There are times that I'm so hyperactive. Seriously? What's wrong with me? Most of my days are filled with anger. I get angry at myself and I stay that way. ): I stared blankly on this page before I started anything. Thinking of what to write besides ranting about how my life sucks. ):

I'm slightly demotivated with everything right now. I can't wait for holidays. I think I actually need some 'ME' time. I need to some stuff alone, shop alone, enjoy alone, be happy alone. Or perhaps I just need a break. I need a holiday, I want the beach! ): Langkawi would seriously be good enough for me. Not asking for much! I need a holidayyyyy! ): Cant wait to get this sem over and done with. ):

Strawberries, tea and scones.

2010-11-08T21:54:00.009+08:00

Cameron Highlands with the familia last two weeks! Was there for 2 days and enjoyed every second of it! Stopped by at my mom's hometown, Kampar!

They have this really cute egg tarts. So small and taste good too! :D

Apparent, famous dude who fry the noodles as he sits down. Nothing special about his food anyway.

I love these two photos above.

Honestly, going to 'Rose Valley' literally wasted my time. But then again, it started to rain shortly after we were done. Went back to our house settled down and everyone was too lazy to go out already. It was freezing cold! Brrrrr. Some napped, some watched tv, some just sat and chat. Did nothing till it was dinner time.

Barbeque was supper, it made things so much better! So warm!

Strawberry farm the next day. Very obvious, there wasn't any strawberries for my to pluck. I was so disappointed! Because the last time I went, there was so much strawberries! And it was so fun to be plucking them yourselves! Though it may be more expensive! But it's fun! :P

): This is the reason why.

My lovelies!

Willywonka!

Went to the market outside the strawberry farm. At Brinchang I think? No idea, but yeah. They have these really huge strawberries! :D Which made up to my disappointment at the strawberry farm! Hahaha. The next stop would be Bala's chalet. It's usually for backpackers, but I make it a must visit every time we go Cameron because their scones are to die for! Pretty expensive I'd say. Two scones and a cup of tea for RM22.50. But worth every penny!

One and only!

This is a reason why Bala's chalet is awesome! I specifically told my mom that it was a must to go to Bala's chalet even if we would have to leave Cameron at 4pm. Because the initial plan was to go to the Boh plantation before the strawberry farm. But there was a pretty heavy traffic along to way, so we turned back.

Even writing this right now makes me think about the scones. Nyammm! That's was pretty much everything. Simple, relaxing and breezy!

2010-11-02T17:29:00.003+08:00

"Courage is when you’re afraid, but you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you’re in pain, but you keep on living anyway. Courage is when you’ve lost your way, but you find your strength anyway."

Just like any other ordinary day where I had to drag myself out of bed for a miserable one hour class in the morning and then followed by a 4 hour long break where I just had to come back to Subang for the break! Pft.

Went to check out the gym after class in the morning. I don't know what am I going for, but yeah I simply need to do something to myself. I need to freaking improve or not I'd be feeling so insecure and that isn't doing me any good. ): I wish things would be easier on me.

Brand new?

2010-11-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

Should I say this is a brand new start? I stopped blogging for a while and to be honest I stopped blogging because there was just too much memories in this place. Spent the past two years writing in here. Be it happy or sad.

Decided to start blogging all over again because I ought to need a place to rant my things. Though blogging may not be one of the latest thingy majeeky. But I'm back to my old roots. Where I write my piece of mind in this place. Not knowing who's reading and what's going on through people's mind when they're reading it. And at least I know that by writing here, I get to express what I cant seem to express in person.

I may not be the best writer, and there's gonna be mistakes here and there. Please bare with me. I have all the patience in the world to learn. (or maybe not) ;p Let's just hope that I'll constantly be blogging. I don't know how often I'm gonna blog, but I guess I'll try ;D

2010-04-14T22:23:00.005+08:00

Brandon turned 21 on the 3rd of April. (:

I went around the bushes and thought about a lot of ways to surprise him. I facebook-ed his friends and invited them to dinner. Though some couldn't make it but was happy enough to get a hand full of his friends to come! (: I custom made CDG cupcakes for him! :D

(: Collected it after class. Went home and rest for a little and then went to fetch him. Made him waited for a little. Cause I had to pass the cupcakes to JY. :D My partner in crime. Hahaha.

Went to Gardens and guess who we met at the parking lot? JY! Omg! He had to twist and turn his words. We went and walk like usual figuring out where to eat and stuff like that. Smart of JY to give him a call and said that he was about to leave already. Hahaha. (: He did ask me to bbm Pikkei and ask her to join us for dinner. So I said, WHY can't we just have dinner together?! And he said, sometimes good to have friends around ma. Hahah, at that moment I felt good! I don't know why but yeah.

And so I said I was hungry, well not really. Cause every one has already been seated at the restaurant :P Nyahahaha. We 'settled' for TGIF, and as we walked in. Much to his surprise, he saw his friends sitting there waiting for him. (: Hahahaha! It's not something big, but it was what I wanted to do. (:

JD steak. Nom.

Surprised him with the cupcakes as well! He didn't know I made those for him ;D

His friends who made things happen. (:

After dinner, I followed him to meet his friends for a little and that was it. (: And the following day, had dinner with him and his sister & boyf. (:

Polaroid pictures that I instantly fell in love with!

Glad that every thing worked out real well and for the first time he had no clue about what's coming his way. Every time I try to surprise him, he somehow knows! Hahaha! Oh well. (:

2010-03-10T20:27:00.001+08:00

Marked the 8th. (:

2010-03-08T04:02:00.001+08:00

I don't know how to explain myself anymore. There's been so much going on and I must say everything was worth remembering. I've came a long way now. And trust me, nothing was ever easy. ): I went through a hard time reaching where I am today. With who I am and what I have. Friends and family have been the biggest motivation and support. (: though I constantly asked myself what have I done to get this and that or perhaps what have I done to deserve something bad. But well, life's like that. Ought to be good and bad, ups and down. But I'm glad with everything I do, I have wonderful people around me.

There's nothing much left to say. I appreciate everything that we went through, everything we did, all experience and secret shared. I'm glad that my sad and happy moments were shared with you. And I believe there's so much more to come. I'm really thankful and grateful that you stepped into my life and taught me how to love when I almost lost hope in everything. We've came a long way now. There were times that brought us smiles and laughter and there were days that brought me tears. But its what made us stronger, and everything was worth it. I love you. (:

2010-02-12T13:43:00.003+08:00

It's the holidays, finally. I must say this semester have been real hectic! Happy to finally have a small break but on the other hand superbly worried at the same time. 3 group assignments due right after holidays and we've started on none. Not to mention that every one is in the holiday mood, so who's gonna care about assignments anyway? HAHA! Trust me, it is hell! Sigh. ):

On the brighter side, CNY is just two days away and though I am not a tad bit excited, but I am happy that angpows are coming my way and they are all my donors. (; Much love every one. Hahaha. Didn't shop much for this CNY. Real last minute and just bought 2 tops and one shorts. That's about it. Nothing else. Hmmm. I guess I'll only make purchases when I see something I really like. Afterall, I already have new clothes for the first day, that's more than enough I assume? :D

Happy Valentine's lovebirds. ♥

2010-01-21T18:01:00.003+08:00

I've totally forgotten about the existence of my blog. Well, I doubt there's people reading it anyway. Fml! :)

Anyway, things have been going fine for me. Ups and downs ought to happen but then again, it wouldn't be life if every thing was moving on a line right? (: I tend to think a lot and somehow I think it's also a gift from God that most ladies have this thing in them that makes them think the extra mile. I swear it's a female thing! But oh well, be it how ever much I may be thinking, what goes around my mind revolves around my life.

Been sick for the past two weeks. Am slowly recovering, a tad bit of cough though. Flu, fever, headache and whatever that comes in a package! Haha!

(:

2010-01-02T18:36:00.005+08:00

The last of 2009. Spent some quality time with the bf! Haven't seen him for two weeks! :D Was so happy to finally see him again. (; Had lunch at Yuzu. Nom nom nom, I like.

My cutie pie! (:

To top it all, I love this baby of mine. (;

Happy new year 2010!

2009-12-29T01:37:00.004+08:00

MISS YOU

2009-12-27T17:09:00.004+08:00

2009-12-27T01:17:00.002+08:00

I somehow find backdated postings very annoying and what's even more annoying is you post about it today, a picture and little notes and then the continuous posting will be done later on. It sort of irritates me. I'm not sure if I've ever done that before, but at this moment it just irritates me very much. Hahah. Don't ask me what's my problem, but yeah :P

Anyway, my cousin was over at my place earlier and it seems that she finds me and her brother gets easily amused at things that ain't that funny to her. Hahaha, maybe she doesn't have that much of humour! Hahaha, cause me and Wilson can really laugh at any random things! :P Haha!

I think I've been really problematic, I've been sneezing the whole entire day and previously my stomach have been aching so much. Till today! Grr!

I was supposed to go Times Square with Mei Fenn today. But I totally forgotten until it's 4pm! Was supposed to be there at 5pm. But then again, no regrets not attending at all. :P She'll know the reason! Hahah.

4 more days till 2009 is over (;

2009-12-26T00:09:00.011+08:00

Christmas is officially over and a heck of a good year is coming to an end in 5 days' time. What has 2009 brought to me? Definitely a very unforgettable year, the first year I left high school, the year I started driving, the year I fell out of love and fell in love, the year college started. Basically a year that brought so much joy, tears and laughter to life. Ofcourse all these won't happen if it wasn't cause of the help of you wonderful people. Friends and family. (:

Dec08/January :

- I had a great time working and I'm lucky to have an awesome supervisor. (:

- Owned my first mac in Dec/Jan. I forgotten.

- Traveled to Bangkok in Jan.

February:

A very busy month, busy running errands.

- Met Khalil Fong in person.

March:

- SPM results.
- Rotting at home.

April:

- My first ever print ad shoot.

- Constantly traveling around Malaysia. (Kuantan, Johor etc)

May :

- Eagle island with friends.
- Started meeting Brandon (:

June :

- P License :D
- Enrolled in college.

July:

♥

August:

- Couldn't remember, I bet nothing interesting took place :P

September:

- Siem Reap, Cambodia.

October :

- Turned legal.

November/December :

- Nothing to highlight about.

And so, people say life is a box of chocolates because it's full of surprises. I must agree that life is full of surprises. You don't know what's coming your way, you can't see it. I never would imagine traveling to Cambodia. Never did I imagine dating Brandon. Never did I thought I'd be doing mass comm in KDU. Never would I know I would be featured in a print ad, never would i imagine meeting Khalil Fong and what not.

Things happen when you least expect it to, 2009 have been marvelous but I'm looking forward to an even more marvelous 2010. I promise myself to be better, and I'm only doing it for myself. I stopped creating new years resolutions because you'll never keep to it anyway ;P

Happy new year everyone!

With love, Rachael Wong. (:

2009-12-25T17:39:00.001+08:00

These two cars will keep me at ease. Can money drop from the sky so I can fulfill my wish? :D

2009-12-16T10:14:00.000+08:00

I honestly miss camwhoring. LOL!

2009-11-26T16:25:00.000+08:00

Our first picture together. ♥

I miss.

2009-11-25T21:32:00.004+08:00

I miss. ♥

(:

I love you.

2009-11-25T14:38:00.002+08:00

Every day have been freezing cold. Literally it is. I've been 'living' in the college's library for the past few days. Its freaking cold, and not only that the weather's going cuckoo. It's cold at night, I don't even need to on my air cond to sleep anymore. :( 2012's coming. I hope I'll be living in LV then. :D

Pft, finals are draining me. Constantly so worried if I'm gonna fail. Bah! I'm in college, bye. -_-

2009-11-22T22:16:00.004+08:00

People always say, whatever you wish for doesn't come true. Be it on your birthday, or when a meteor appears, or during christmas and whenever it's possible to make a wish. Wishes never come true. Fairy god mother's doesn't exist, santa claus doesn't exist. That explains why my wish for the past 18 years never did materialize. Hahaha! :P

In a way, it's true. People wish for a lot of things. A perfect partner, to live like the rich and famous, to do things with no boundaries, to have this, to have that and so on. Well the truth is, they don't come true. Whatever you want is whatever you can't get. Even if you do, well congrats. You're extraordinary. What you see in movies is not what reality is like. No one is ever like what you see in movies. No one's gonna do all those things for other people.

Stop wishing, stop hoping and stop wanting. Come whatever that may. :)

2009-11-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

Waking up with your message makes me a happier girl. Woke up pretty early to catch up with moral studies before heading for exam. Exam was fine, most of the things came out and the essay wasn't that bad, though I was expecting another topic that he gave. Oh well, for the first time ever, spending all the time given to complete the paper. Phew, one paper off my shoulder. Another three to go!

Being the random me, just yesterday when I was on my way back from college. A bag was lying in the middle of the road. So I told Fana that I'm so curious how slippers, bags and what not gets in the middle of the road. Hahaha, so when I was driving back just now, the motorcyclist right in front of me drop his slippers. Lol, and his slippers when flying 360 degrees to God knows where. Hahah, therefore I came to a conclusion and found out how slippers are found in the middle of no where. Yet to discover how bags are on the road though. :P

Something's bothering my mind right now. So hard to get it off, it's true when people say females tend to think more. Well yeah, here I am. Thinking a truck load of things. :(

2009-11-18T18:13:00.002+08:00

It's funny how when I start writing, I just want to write so much more. The other day when I watched MJ, there was a lot of trailers before it started. Most of it was to be out on February. Well, knowing its valentines, 9 out of 10 were chic flicks, romantic movies and what not. And the funny thing is, whatever that's portrayed in the movie is never real. Why is that? Is it because it's just not a society norm to be perfect in love? Well, more obvious than not, no one is actually perfect. So I guess that explains it?

Girls are somewhat of something that you can't seem to really figure out what they want. They are fickle and they tend to change their decisions really quickly. Though I'm not talking about all, but I'm talking about some. I believe that girls like to be pampered, not by material things, but by attention and love. No girls wouldn't love kisses on the forehead, because it makes them feel loved so much more. No girls wouldn't love waking up with a text message from their boyf, it automatically makes them smile like there's no tomorrow and probably it will just make the entire day a better day. No girls wouldn't like to have cute pet names or whatever you want to call them, but it's all these little things that make girls happy.

Weird but I intended to write about all these when I saw those trailers the other day, and Carmen reminded me of how much she's a sucker for love today, and also because of her presentation last week! ;D

2009-11-18T10:22:00.003+08:00

I know how I've neglected my blog for God know how many years, but the fact is that I've actually lost the mojo to blog and have been really busy with college! Don't mean to sound all I'm so great kind of thing but yeah, it's kinda hectic and it's really draining all my juice! And not to mention that finals are drawing near, and I'm only starting to buckle up like now. Though I only have 4 papers, but kinda suck that all is about memorizing and yeah that's what makes my whole semester pretty hard. Well, it's another short semester coming up and can't wait for it to begin already! ;D

Been down with food poisoning and I must say it felt like hell. It was pure torture and the fact that you can't do much about it but just rest and rest and still continue resting. Feeling so much better already but still refraining from eating too much.

I've been saving pretty much lately. I have somet things to get and yet I'm only left with a 100 or so! :( So much of saving, but again I did splurge some lately. Irritates me that I had to shop and what not! Oh well, good day everyone. Check out my group's trailer for our film studies project. ;D

2009-10-25T11:08:00.002+08:00

2009-10-12T19:11:00.001+08:00

♥

2009-10-07T19:10:00.003+08:00

Again, I haven't been updating for quite some time now. Only because I've lost the mojo to do so! Don't find the reason to update, don't find the reason to express. Hahaha. Oh well, it'll slowly come back! Hopefully! (:

Mid terms are already over! And I really studied! Only 2 papers though. Finals will be hectic. ): Bah, not forgetting there are actually assignments that are undone. And I thought I could have a little sight of relief. Guess not afterall!

It looks like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. Birthday's over with a little surprise, a lot of wishes and what not. What's next? The holidays perhaps. The only think I can think of right now.

If there's something that you want to say about me, say it to my face. If you have no balls to do it, then shut the f*ck up. (:

Good day everyone! ;D

2009-09-26T16:42:00.002+08:00

Cafecafe, KL

Dimmed lights & cozy ambiance. So romantic! (:

June was telling me that she went to 'Secret of Louisiana' and finds its pretty romantic. So I googled for more and I came across 3-meals and couldn't stop clicking "Previous Entries" Saw the posting on cafecafe and then again, I couldn't stop googling about it! Judging from pictures, this place looks really good!

Most reviews I've read did mention about how ordinary it looks from the outside, but once you push that door open, that's the moment you'll be superbly amazed by how the interior looks like. Some also reviewed about it being pricey, but I've seen some prices that bloggers included, one main course ranges about RM30-50 perhaps, depending on what you order. I'm not sure myself.

Chocolate molten cake that's to die for. As read from ALLLLLL blog reviews. (RM28) -_-

This place looks superbly attractive from pictures that is. I think I need to witness the real thing. LOL!

2009-09-18T23:35:00.003+08:00

I seriously and totally forgotten about the existence of my blog. I went for a short holiday to Cambodia and I must say I enjoyed seeing the ancient buildings, but the weather was a killer! I was pretty busy with everything that was going on. Before leaving to Cambodia, I quickly completed my speech for public speaking and believe me, I even brought my whole script to memorize! I tried to memorize it at the end of every day, but by then I was already too tired to even lift up the paper! And immediately after I came back, I had to rehearse for the speech and the following day was the presentation! And as last minute as we can get, we had to rush our proposal for film studies on Thursday which was later on rejected and I had to re-do and complete everything and send it back to college this morning. Not forgetting my e-forum for Moral education and also my MCS & Sociology which I hardly know anything about it. There's assignments due and I haven't started a single dot yet. Storyboard which requires drawing which I'm not good at and not forgetting 3 minute trailer which we have yet to know what to shoot! Tell me I'm a great student please? (:

Raya's here and I'm not feeling anything. Which is rather normal! No reason to feel anything except the excitement cause there's holiday! But again, what is there to do?

Anyway, here's a teaser from the trip, day 1! (:

More to come if I can find the time and mood to update! (:

Have a great holiday everyone! And selamat hari raya!

2009-09-09T19:36:00.003+08:00

Free flow of pressure piling up in me. Anyone interested? (: Okay, sarcasm. Yes I am superbly pressured. With the thing that has been going on lately. What more about college? Assignments due very soon and I'll be away during the weekend. Doubting on how enjoyable the holiday could be. I basically have no time for anything! ): I think I need to shop! No, that's just an excuse but I am really pressured.

I need someone to calm me down. I need someone who can make me laugh effortlessly! Any volunteers? ): Sigh.

I will and I am going to pick myself up from where I had a fall. I will stand up on my both feet and start getting back on track. It's not the end of the world, let bygones be bygones right? I need full attention and concentration. I've gotta stop wandering and pondering.

2009-09-07T14:24:00.000+08:00

Over the weekend, I went to Genting with the family. But sad to say that it wasn't as good as the previous times. Lack of cousins and fun! Not forgetting I was totally not in the mood for it. I actually went Genting last week! So it was a bore! But thank God for the wonderful creation of broadband, I got to entertain myself.

I didn't bring my phone charger so it totally went flat on me! Never before ok? Hahaha. Uncles, cousins and sister said that as if it's already the end of the world for me. Hahaha! What!? I need my communication!

Birthday's drawing nearer. In a bout a months time. The list is getting longer and longer but chances of fulfilling each and every of them is rather low! Not rather, but very. Hahaha. All sort of things is in the list, from the most impossible to the impossible. HAHAHA. So you tell me, how could it be fulfilled? ): Okay, i'll sleep earlier tonight. :D

2009-09-01T19:32:00.001+08:00

I know I've been neglecting this blog. But I no longer have the mojo to write or express. Because every time I do, I get judged. I am so tired of the things you people say. Fine with saying, but telling? Why did you people create all the unnecessary topics and start blabbering to others? You read, analyze, judge and spread. I thought you people would probably understand the word mature perfectly fine. But I guess you people are a bunch of grown up stuck in a kids body. Still in pre-school? Grow up!

All this brought to a certain extend that it hurts me. Only on that particular topic. I clearly understand that a blog is open to public and anyone or everyone can read. But you didn't had to tell, seriously. Are you bored with your own spoilt life that you had to interrupt and contaminate mine? And to the other topic, it doesn't bother me. Just that it made me laugh so much upon hearing it.

Put that aside and every other days are like routines now. Sleep before 12am, wake up at 6am, get ready and drag myself to college for the 8am class. Classes are hectic, all the presentation and assignment piling up. And I didn't even had time to discover what all these is really about. I admit, I'm still new to all this. I'm finding my way through, hoping not to get distracted on my way. But well, things bound to happen. Need I explain more? I bet most of you've been through what I'm going through now.

And for the 92753478th time, I ~~will~~HAVE TO START DRIVING SLOWLY. :D

2009-08-26T10:11:00.002+08:00

I know how much I've neglected the blog but I just can't help it. Things happen and I just didn't had the mood to update anything. Those few days was nerve wrecking and my heart was sinking. But well, things are great now. (: Either than the fact that college schedule is killing me! As I'm writing this, I really just got back from college! I have an hour tutorial at 8am! And then the next class is at 2! What do you expect me to do with a 5 hour break? What more? Return home and rest. I am really tired with the hectic schedule. Classes from Mon-Fri starts at 8am. Which makes me wake up at 6am to get ready and attempt to leave before 7am. Looking at the fact that its the school holiday now. I can leave after 7. But when school re-opens. 6.45 it is! I'd rather be early to class than to be stuck in the jam.

I'm gonna get some rest before I gotta get myself back on my feet. Good day everyone!

2009-08-20T00:56:00.002+08:00

♥

2009-08-18T23:09:00.004+08:00

I'm in fear. Of how hectic the new semester would be and how the subjects I take would really pull me down. Not forgetting about my other half. ): Pft, felt rather scared and sad after talking to Willy about the subjects and how I won't be able to cope. But there's no one I could go to. There's no one that's gonna offer me some comforting words, No one to tell me that "Everything will be fine." ): Pft. Where's everyone? )':

Empty. ♥

2009-08-17T20:48:00.001+08:00

Penang was awesome. Though it was just for a day, but I made every second worth thinking about! Why? Because of the great food I indulged myself in and I found the time to meet up with Ej, Xzendra & Wye Sun! Though Wye Sun is constantly at KL, but yet we fail to meet. Hahaha.

As soon as we step our feets in Penang, we started eating till we left Penang! I am sure of this! Hahaha! But we went to check-in in our hotel rooms first, but it wasn't ready yet so we went to somewhere for brunch! :D

Proceeded to a temple after brunch, looking at the time the room is still not ready yet. So yeah.

A very wrong place to cam whore eyh? :D

Ze view, from ze room. 35th floor. :D

Exactly what I need to keep me at ease.

Aunty Swan on farm town.

My dad on farmville, wadafak?!

Something more normal k? Photoshop! :P

Went to Gurney to meet Wye Sun, Xzendra & Ej!

Had dinner at Gurney drive, Mctucky chicken skins! :D

We went to Perangin Mall after gurney drive just to get dvd's. Cheap :D Can't wait to indulge myself in them. And, proceeded to Wye Sun's sister's place to visit baby Shannon!

Understand? :P In the condo's lift.

Ain't this picture cute? Look at Shannon! :P

Supper at Mccalister road. Slurps!

Ze grill fish is to die for k? :D I'll be back! Hahaa!

I love this man okay? He looks so cute in this picture! :P

That wraps up my trip to Penang! Oh not forgetting, my mood was a totally wrecked so I end up spending a couple of hundreds shopping. :D I feel guilty, YET happy. Makes sense? No? (:

2009-08-13T00:23:00.001+08:00

I told myself I wouldn't cry. So I should live up to my words.

Gotta suck up and think positive. Its funny how when you think you've been doing everything right and then something comes along and its then when you think that why does it only happen to you? Sigh. I am here pondering and wondering what went wrong. Everything goes wrong when one thing screws up, nothing will ever seem right. Sigh. Shoot me alive please?

Or even better, tie me on the road and then a car would blindly run over me k? (:

2009-08-11T23:48:00.001+08:00

Holidays have been productive. Why so? Have been going out everyday, never once eating in, everyday going out, dad's scolding and mom's complaining. I can't wait for classes to start, only because I've been spending a lot lately. My mom walked in my room and said "You've been spending so much during the holidays! You spend less when you have class." Hahaha, what can I do? Just wait for college to begin in a weeks time.

Timetable's hectic. Classes from 8am till 5pm? Not forgetting the jam at that peak hour. What more its the fasting month, people leave earlier from their office. I'll be tortured! Driving in a sea of cars which is filled with uncivilized drivers. Oh, I can't imagine what will I do in the car. I have to drive slower and I've gotta stop cutting lanes like ~~some drivers with the exhaust pipe bigger than their cock~~every other uncivilized human being! Patience is all I need.

2009-08-10T00:00:00.001+08:00

♥

Dearest Brandon Ong,

Being together wasn't easy. I know there were times that you were about to give up, but thank you for not doing so. Or not we wouldn't be celebrating our one month anniversary today. Though it's just a month, but I believe that there'd be more months to come. I love you sweetheart. (:

Love, Rachael Wong.

2009-08-08T19:14:00.000+08:00

Random, current favourite.

It was reunion! All of us were seated together updating about each others life. From friends, to cars to college to life to boys and everything you can think of. :D Sat there for approximately 2 hours and we bid our goodbyes.

One for the album. (:

I left for Mid Valley. Shopped for a little and watched The Proposal at 6.45pm. It probably bore the hell out of the boyf. (: I admit I was a tad bit problematic yesterday. I would find something mean to reply whatever you say. Okay fine, that probably sounds very problematic. Hahaha. Thank you for tolerating me, thank you for being so patient. (:

2009-08-06T13:19:00.003+08:00

I feel rather weird to write at this hour. But oh well, what can you do when boredom calls for you? Everyday has been the same. Everyday I wake up to a text from my friend asking me to wake up. And she would never let me roll on the bed. Followed by a call from the boyf, and probably later in the noon, I'll just find a place to go to. Or not, I'll just stay home and rot. Yes, how boring could everyday be?! And besides, this little girl here still has parental control you know! Hahaha. Sad, I know.

Something oh-so-random.

2009-08-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

I have just tasted thus far the best instant noodles. Taiwan's instant beef noodles. I have no idea how to read it's name but it starts with One - "yi" Hahaha! I don't know if its available in Malaysia, but if it is, I'd die for it k? :D It taste better than those that they serve in normal kopitiam's. :D I'm serious!

Today has been rather dull and boring. Had lunch with June at Parade and just randomly scroll through the mall. Dropped her home and off I went to Fana's place. :D I played guitar hero! Sounds so much like a jacoon but yeah, she had the guitar itself k! :P Feels cool to play with it, but I was rather shy! Since no one is putting wii into good use, I think I should get the guitar for wii and I can play it like a rockstar at home and no one would judge! Either than my sisters that is! ;D

I don't know where all my money went, but before I can even kick start the first week of August, I'm already pretty broke. The fact that college is out, I'm going out more often which also means spending more than usual! I should stay home so that I can save money! :P

Pss, diet.

2009-08-02T22:59:00.003+08:00

Woke up and started cleaning the store room. And hell, a room like that can sure store A LOT of things. I really mean a lot! If there would be five empty rooms, there'd be five times the amount of things! The Wong's sure have a lot of crap ;D All the things are mainly from what we packed from the old house and didn't take out since then. Haha.

New shelves we bought from Ikea last weekend.

The bag we used to bring Benji out last time. Now? He's just too big to even fit in it!

While we were cleaning the store room, my dad shouted for my name. He showed this old school panoramic camera he used to have. It uses film! I don't know if it still works, but it looks really kick ass!

Panoramic 6x9. :D

2009-08-01T22:32:00.004+08:00

I woke up feeling angry and a little frustrated. No replies, no nothing. And even later in the day, there was no calls or text messages. Not even a sound from him on Msn. I on the other hand did anything I could to release anger. I don't know how to explain how I felt, so painful to read that text message last night. I don't blame you if you don't have much trust on me, but not till that extend. ):

I don't know how I can prove to you, but I will try and eventually time will tell.

I ♥ you, Brandon Ong.

2009-07-31T22:54:00.003+08:00

Obviously, holidays isn't doing me any good! I wake up at 11-12pm everyday and ask myself what do I want for lunch. That's all I can think about, FOOD. Well it ends today k? TODAY! :D I promise myself to behave and act like a girl and most importantly EAT LIKE A GIRL. I've gotta start losing those extra pounds after seeing how much I've put on. I think when the boyf comes back, he'll be so surprised to see how balloon-ish I've turned into. Rawr. Not like I wasn't balloon-ish enough! Okay, no more eating! Craving for food ends today! Gym tomorrow morning! STOP FEEDING ME!

I'll mark my words k? :D I'll do what I say and live up to it! Cheh, so motivated! Anyway, have been wanting to get things done at college since the week started but never had the initiative to do so! Finally got it done today, went to college about 3-ish and got things done by 3.4o. Proceeded to Ou to catch a movie. Ghosts of girlfriends past. Pretty nice I'd say. :D Got me laughing pretty much. I can't wait to watch the Proposal too! I know, I know. All these chick flicks. Hahah, what can I say? :P It's love.

2009-07-30T13:13:00.002+08:00

Somehow, it got me laughing. (:

2009-07-30T02:39:00.001+08:00

I am irritated by how my eyes are making me irritated and how it irritates me and how irritating it is. :D Okay, doesn't make much sense but I am sure you get the picture of how irritating my eyes are right now. I don't know what's wrong, but it feels itchy and irritating! Rawr.

Been having a lot of cravings for food lately! Non stop craving for food. Thinking of food and just wanting to eat no matter how full I am. Sounds so much like a pig right? I've gotta stop this behaviour k! If not, at the end of the day I'll look even more ridiculous than ...... the fattest girl you can think of. (I wanted to put a picture, but i felt mean!)

I hope this weighing scale existed :D

Thinking of which subjects to take is actually getting on my nerves. Yes, its not that hard to decide which 5 subjects I want to take. BUT, classes are clashing and in between there'd be a long break! What am I to do? Not like I stay opposite the college right!

Not forgetting that I've been wanting to get a trim but can never decide if I really want bangs. What if i look worse than horrendous?! What if I look really bad?! What if I look fatter than usual!? Hahaha, I am so dramatic! :P Well, let me gather my guts and see how thing goes. :D

2009-07-29T04:02:00.000+08:00

I will die for this SL600 okay? I want it, please. Grant me with it! Well, looking at the time i shall go to sleep soon and dream about it ;D

Good night.